Report: Sens players “kindly asked” to supply video proof when claiming ride-sharing expenses

“Failing to follow the organization’s new ride-sharing policy will result in the players, not the team, being held responsible for applicable expenses,” explained general manager, Pierre Dorion.

Meanwhile, team owner, Eugene Melnyk, offered some cost-saving tips to players, just days after a small group was unceremoniously filmed during an Uber trip.

Said Melnyk – “Don’t forget to UberPool if circumstances allow for it. Sharing rides not only saves the environment, but it also helps to improve a mutually beneficial bottom line and allows our beloved fans to engage with their favourite players. We are, and always will be Ottawa’s team.”

Report: Top Democrats attempting to coax Caitlyn into running as Bruce in 2020

“Sadly, I was wrong. The reality is that the trans community is being relentlessly attacked by this president. He has ignored our humanity. He has insulted our dignity. He has made trans people into political pawns as he whips up animus against us in an attempt to energize the most right-wing segment of his party. It is unacceptable, it is upsetting, and it has deeply, personally hurt me. I cannot support anyone who is working against our community. I do not support Trump. I must learn from my mistakes and move forward.”

Caitlyn Jenner via The Washington Post

 

Report: Gregg Williams offering Uber and Lyft credits to any practice squad player willing to kill Patrick Mahomes before Sunday

“We have a room full of motivated guys. They’re all hungry. Every player on the field wants to make a difference. Some are younger, others have been in the league for a while. But every single one of them wants to introduce the league to a new brand of Cleveland Browns football, a brand of football that takes no prisoners. We’ve talked about the threat that Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs present…we know what they bring to the table. The real question is whether Kansas City is ready for Cleveland…buckle up ladies and gentlemen, the Dog Pound just got a whole lot more dangerous,” Williams explained, prior to retreating to his office to watch last week’s game film.

Lil Wayne Halloween costume only way to repair tarnished relationship with Odell, says Eli Manning

“Obviously it hasn’t been the year we were hoping for,” stated Manning, in the midst of some last-minute Halloween shopping.

He continued – “I need to play better, and I think every guy in this locker room would tell you the same thing — we all need to play better on offence. Apart from Saquon, our unit has been painfully lethargic to this point in the season.”

Finally, when pressed about his relationship with star wide receiver, Odell Beckham Jr., Manning sounded optimistic about the future.

“Odell is a proven talent in this league and he wants to win just like we all do. We need Odell to be enjoying himself to have a chance to win on Sundays. Luckily it’s Halloween, and OBJ is a big costume guy. I’ve talked to a few of his friends away from the field and most everyone is aware of his adoration for Lil Wayne. If I wind up nailing the Weezy costume I have planned, Odell will come around and probably start treating me like the two-time Super Bowl MVP that history tells me I am. We just need to get back to work and get back to having fun each and every day…”

“…Odell and I will be fine,” concluded Eli.

Report: Eating Tide Pods leads to a dirty mind

The Smoking Gun – Earlier this month, a grown-ass man in Council Bluffs, Iowa went full-blown Sarah Connor in a hospital, on the heels of ingesting a Tide Pod capsule.

Admittedly, my comparison to SC’s heroic escape from James Cameron’s T2: Judgement Day is a tad much here, but who’s gonna object to such a stretch when it’s meant to justify the inclusion of a truly iconic scene in cinema?

So badass! Anyways…the damage caused by Brandon McVay, 27, was estimated to exceed $7,500 US, according to local authorities. Along with broken glass and smashed desktops, the aftermath clearly showed that he was in a particularly filthy mood at the time everything went down. Odd considering how clean his insides must have been.

The hospital’s administrator, Debra Downer, was in shock at how out of control McVay was during his detergent-fuelled episode, going on to say she believes we are going too far in our societal bid to combat what she calls “ungovernable lapses in intelligence” –

Anybody whose age is a two-digit number should know better than to eat a laundry detergent caplet. Children aged 0-9 are still learning what their bodies should and shouldn’t consume so caution must be exercised when criticizing their dietary missteps. On the other end, those determined to truck through life long enough to reach 100 should be allowed to eat whatever the fuck they want. Pardon my language, it’s been an extraordinary day. All I’m saying is I don’t think we should prevent the obscenely elderly from eating anything, even if it means allowing them to drop detergent every now and then. But everybody else, give your fucking heads a shake. We are talking about untreatable, ungovernable lapses in intelligence.”

Those were Downer’s fake words in a fake interview, constructed solely for the purposes of this post. But look, if you’re between the ages of 10 and 99, eating a Tide Pod should disqualify you from medical attention. Either gut it out on your own and overcome the discomfort associated with detergent in the bloodstream, otherwise accept the consequences of natural selection.

…now to finish Sarah’s escape (I bet she would’ve snacked on a pod or two had they been a thing in her day).

 

Report: American pipe bomb manufacturers fuming over most recent PR nightmare

“It’s been a complete and total public relations nightmare. When certain individuals take it upon themselves to build their own explosive devices, public safety becomes a real concern. All of us at 3…2…Fuck it, Boom Inc. cannot stress enough the risks involved in designing a trip-release explosive. Your family could get hurt, post office workers are put at risk and most importantly, it ultimately may not serve its intended purpose. Instead, simply trust the experts since 1918,” explained company president, Wesley Pipes.

“We offer a variety of payment plans and in celebration of our 100-year anniversary we are offering free express shipping to all new customers.”

Child forced to consult Cannabis Act after lemonade-weed stand shut down by local authorities

“Not only does this discourage small business, but it also prohibits my daughter from learning how to adapt to the dynamic business environment she finds herself living in, in 2018,” explained Wendy Williams, a resident of Toronto, Ontario, on the day Canada legalized cannabis for recreational use.

She continued –

“Children nowadays grow up so fast. My little pumpkin is six and already on her third smartphone, having lost two on school field trips. It’s unacceptable that her vision to pair a now legal substance, with her already neighbourhood-famous lemonade, has been axed by money-hungry politicians. You can bet the government will hear from me. My daughter is an entrepreneur and deserves the right to flex her innovative muscles.”

A final question: Now that it’s legal, is micro-dosing a child who refuses to eat anything with cannabis considered “bad parenting”? Maybe give it a try?*

(Happy Cannabis Legalization Day, Canada!)

*Not a doctor

**Wendy Williams is not a real person (I mean, she probably is. It’s a common name, so there are likely plenty of them). That said, I assure you nobody carrying that name was interviewed in the process of creating this satirical piece

 

Report: Khabib Nurmagomedov’s punishment for UFC 229 brawl to include mandatory title defense versus nemesis bear from childhood…

Not everyone is familiar with Khabib Nurmagomedov. Hell, for me, just learning to pronounce his surname in a timely manner took hours of practice. To learn his whole backstory would be akin to powering through a Game of Thrones marathon, though both will fill your mind with the unimaginable, so feel free to put both on your respective to-do lists. Before I forget, sorry to all the Uber drivers who were forced to listen to me repeat the Dagestani bear child’s name, over and over, and over again…(I made sure to tip accordingly).

However, some may have heard a thing or two about the man they call The Eagle, perhaps in a conversation with someone who loves the fight game (we all got at least one friend who lives and breathes it) —  they may have told you that Nurmagomedov enjoys wrestling bears, having engaged in such erroneous behaviour since he was a child…

…which brings me to the fallout surrounding the brawl that broke out following Saturday’s main event.

The Nevada State Athletic Commission, in an unprecedented move, has chosen to include a mandatory title defense as part of its punishment levied on a sitting title holder, of which Nurmagomedov qualifies as after successfully defending his lightweight belt against Conor McGregor at UFC 229.

Unfortunately, fans of McGregor will have to wait for their fearless leader’s rematch. Vaulting over him and UFC 229 winner, Tony Ferguson, is a more familiar foe to Nurmagomedov with the Russian having faced this opponent before, albeit a long time ago and in a non-sanctioned environment. Both fighters have grown substantially since their first encounter.

This time, according to the upcoming challenger’s camp – “RRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”.

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That’s right folks…

Khabib “The Eagle” Nurmagomedov vs. a Full-Grown Bear.

 

Are you telling me you’d rather watch the undefeated prodigy dial it back with McGregor? Don’t get me wrong, that is certainly a fight I will watch, if and when it gets booked. But a goddamn bear? And one with revenge on its mind to boot!?

Step aside Conor, a presently-proper opponent awaits Khabib in the octagon. You go back to the drawing board and the fight world will collectively wait for to you re-discover your precision striking game. Then, and only then will you have any hope of stopping this Russian bird of prey.

For those screaming foul at the obvious weight variance in the upcoming title bout, the NSAC, along with the UFC, as part of the harsh punishment package served to Nurmagomedov for his Hollywood-inspired post-fight brawl last Saturday, have waived the traditional title-fight weight requirement, paving the way for a bear to challenge for the belt. If victorious, the roughly 10-foot-tall competitor will be the first of its kind to hold a UFC championship.

When asked about the decision to wave the need for a weigh-in, UFC President, Dana White, offered a simple explanation –

“You try and get a grown-ass bear to step on a scale.”

Most recent reports have the challenger weighing in at 750 lbs., though information from his camp is not easily accessible due to its remote location. We’re also told that he isn’t too keen on stepping on the scale more than he’s obligated to, having dealt with weight issues for most of his life. Recent studies have shown bears, much like human beings, get touchy when forced to come to terms with self-authored weight issues.

Odds have not yet been released for the upcoming fight-to-the-death matchup but one should expect Khabib to open as the slight betting favourite, considering his superior cardio and heavy reliance on a higher power. Still, the bear will look to end Khabib’s streak and should have an advantage in the ground game when factoring in the 600+ pound advantage he’ll enter the cage with on fight night.

– Can Khabib’s grappling prowess hold up against such a furry, fiery force?

– Will the bear engage in personal and mental warfare, after seeing the lengths Nurmagomedov will go to in the fight to protect his beliefs and values?

– Will Conor watch the fight, or will he instead lend his eyes elsewhere, in a form of passive protest?

All our questions will be answered in the coming months, once the governing bodies involved adequately sweep the UFC “dirt” under the proverbial rug, making sure to eventually use it to promote Khabib-Conor II.

I guess my only advice to McGregor would be to watch the upcoming fight. Whether your Russian nemesis wins or loses, revenge is still in order for what was mostly a one-sided defeat…

…and hey, if the bear is victorious, perhaps you’ll sport a costume for your next octagon entrance?