Report: Cody Parkey receives postgame phone call from ‘bored’ president; America’s C-in-C suggests building giant wall around property to keep crazies away

“I feel terrible about how the game ended. To have our guys fight as hard as they did, and then for me to enter in a big moment and let them down…I’m fucking gutted. No other way to put it really” was how Cody Parkey opened his media availability following the Bears’ home playoff loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday.

As if it couldn’t get any worse for the Bears’ kicker, mere minutes after Sunday’s catastrophic conclusion, the most hated man in Chicago received a surprise phone call from a clearly bored commander-in-chief…

Parkey continued — “To get that call from President Trump was, among other things, surprising, as I’ve never vocalized my support for or against him since he took office. However, for him to reach out is obviously special in a way. He must not have a whole lot to do, you know, with the government being shut down and all. We talked briefly and he told me to keep my head up. He also mentioned that I should really think about erecting a wall around my property. He told me it would help keep the crazies away. I haven’t had time to really think about his suggestion yet, to be honest. Still trying to come to terms with this loss.”

In addition to the construction of a wall, Parkey is also kicking around the idea of a moat to further shield he and his family from the caravan of Bears fans planning to storm his homestead in the coming days…if only teams received partial points for hitting the uprights, Parkey wouldn’t have to homeschool his kids in 2019. It seems like he’ll have to now, and while he’s at it, Parkey may also want to consider subscribing to a food delivery service.

*Be sure to check out some of the reaction videos following the miss. None are posted here, but if you’re ambitious, go to Youtube and search “Cody Parkey reaction videos”, or something along those lines. **SPOILER ALERT – People are really taking it well.

Top Democrats frantically crowdsourcing vital organs to keep Justice Ginsburg alive

Politico – Ruth Bader Ginsburg needs a bloody miracle. Dare I say quite literally. People need to bleed and organs need to be freed to keep this sputtering granny alive and kicking. The fate of America as we know hinges on some young people dying so an old nan can live.

After breaking three ribs roughly six weeks ago in a fall that screams “Brett Kavanaugh party foul”, Ginsburg had surgery today to remove a pair of malignant growths on her left lung. At this point, the 85-year-old Supreme Court Judge should just hang them up. Like a runner attempting a comeback after suffering his/her umpteenth torn knee ligament, enough is enough. Judges have more than one robe, don’t they?

Ginsburg, a.k.a. America’s most beloved grandma not to mention its most accomplished Super Diva, should, at the very least, trade her robe(s) in for a vest and enjoy life’s remaining years judging shoppers as a retail greeter, for her time judging cases needs to end. She’s done her part is what I’m saying. All the years shaping American law will serve Ginsburg well in her hypothetical new role. I mean, who could possibly be better at sniffing out crime than an individual with 25 years of service as a Supreme Court Judge? Ruth knows what guilty looks like – SHOW ME YOUR RECEIPT, SIR!

However, it appears such a move will have to wait.

At a recent luncheon, Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, was asked about the possibility of The Resistance’s most important ladyyyy pulling the plug on her Supreme Court tenure. He was painfully clear in his stance on the matter:

“Given the current political climate, we cannot responsibly allow Justice Ginsburg to step down from her position. She’s a strong woman going through some unfortunate health-related events, but with time and rest, we are confident she will return to the bench before long,”

– Chuck Schumer, on the potential of Ruth Bader Ginsburg stepping down following numerous health scares including f***ing cancer surgery

*not a real quote

While it’s easy to be turned off by Schumer’s lack of compassion for a visibly ailing American hero, the young and spry *relatively speaking* 68-year-old deli owner in a past life deserves some sympathy given the circumstances, as a departing Ginsburg would leave the Dems severely shorthanded on the bench of America’s highest court. With this being the unfortunate reality, the DNC expects the native of Brooklyn, NY to remain in her robe for the foreseeable future, at least until such time that the blue team gets to make a pick in the draft.

Stay strong, Ruth!

 

Report: Josh Gordon planning to ‘find himself’ at upcoming Full Moon Party

ESPN – Josh Gordon is stepping away from football yet again.

Today, the troubled wide receiver announced via Twitter his decision to leave the game of football behind indefinitely as he continues his quest for self-betterment. In a subsequent tweet that has since been deleted due to it containing names of various hostels, Gordon, 27, outlined a plan that had him setting out on a trip of a lifetime shortly after Christmas, hopeful that getting away from it all will help him unlock the best version of himself. Totes.

If social media has taught us anything, it’s that one does not truly know themselves until they’ve taken the time to get blackout drunk on at least two continents. We here at the Rowdy Section wish Josh nothing but the best as he prepares to embark on his eye-opening, headache-inducing, round-the-world adventure.

A leaked photo that 100 percent never existed appeared to show Gordon’s itinerary and had him arriving in Koh Phangan on January 2, 2019, which happens to be the date of the next Full Moon Party.

Get well soon, Josh.

 

Report: Trade talks involving Noah Syndergaard falling apart over hair care

“I respect the New York Yankees and all they stand for. To play for such an iconic franchise would be an honor. With that said, under no circumstances will I cut my hair as a means to facilitate a potential trade,” were the opening remarks of a Twitter post that has since been removed. Truth is it never existed, but we all know the Yankees hate beards and long hair. Syndergaard continued – “I’ve never pitched with short hair, like ever. As a kid, my hair grew like weeds and I just never looked back — (playing with it, “Thor” continued) — Call me crazy, but I genuinely don’t know how I’d pitch if I didn’t have this ‘unflattering’ flow. Remember Rick Vaughan in Major League 2? How bad he got after cleaning up! He was terrible, couldn’t even touch 90 on the radar gun. This game is so mental, and my hair gives me power out on that mound…can I claim that it helps protect my brain, and therefore it is in my best medical interest to keep? I mean, it kinda does when you realize how thick it is. All kidding aside, if forced to shed my mane, I will not be a happy man.”

He finished with a cheeky proposal –

“Hey fans, if I wind up jumping ship, why not let ‘The Judge’ decide?” #keepthorsflow

 

 

*this is all totally true, even the part about long hair preventing head injuries.

 

 

Report: Twitter knows all your dirty, dirty secrets

 

Kevin Hart steps down as Oscar Host – “The social platform holds a whole lot of dirt on you, including stuff from times that were very much different than where we find ourselves today. This reality affords the most cunning of enemies total access to your shit. Today, old tweets and joke material shouldn’t be as damning as they are, considering the time and climate they were shared in originally, but for whatever reason, people still feel compelled to police this type of shit,” were the words taken from a longer statement released by Hart’s team following the comedian’s decision to remove himself from the stage. It was later discovered that this statement never actually existed, though maybe it did.

When asked whether he’d consider hosting in the future, the oober popular stand-up comic said he wasn’t sure. Hart instead wants to focus on his core business.

“I don’t know, man. I think the way all this went down might have told me all I need to know about where the Academy stands on this issue. I’ve said all I need to say about this whole thing. I’m now just looking forward to writing some new jokes and selling out motherf*cking football stadiums, son.”

Report: GM ruins Christmas

CNN – “The market is simply not demanding GM cars like it used to…not even close. Meanwhile, consumers continue buying boatloads of competitor models. General Motors has long prided itself on its appetite for innovation, although we may have fallen behind in recent years. That said, the time has come to think long and hard about where we want this company to reside in what’s become one of the most dynamic and rapidly changing marketplaces in the world,” explained CEO Mary Barra.

Barra continued – “As we move forward, we understand the position this major restructuring will leave many families in ahead of the holiday season. I understand bills don’t pay themselves, and the cost of living has never been higher than it is in 2018 — I couldn’t believe what they were charging for a Starbucks latté when I stopped for one this morning! That said, as the CEO, I need to look out for the best interest of the company as a whole, and GM needs the support of the public as it prepares to enter what figures to be a critical time in its storied history. It’s no secret that General Motors has touched many lives over the course of its existence and because of that, we believe it is our collective responsibility to help support and lift this iconic North American company back on its feet just so it can fall down again in seven to 10 years time.”

 

CNN’s Jim Acosta probably should’ve just grabbed that intern by the pu**y

Said Acosta – “President Trump, like all who served before him, has an obligation to be truthful and transparent with the American people. All I wanted was for him to answer questions that I myself, along with my employer, deemed appropriate and applicable to our present-day circumstances. Whether it’s tax reform, healthcare, combating climate change, gun control, the opioid crisis, or dealing with the caravan of ‘invaders’ marching towards America’s wall-less border, this President has a lot in his bucket. That said, if Donald Trump, a famous and self-proclaimed good looking guy, can grab women by their pussies without consequence then perhaps that’s what I should’ve done when that young lady approached me. After all, I’m Jim Acosta, CNN’s Chief White House correspondent…it’s clear from the video that she wanted the mic which, in journalism circles, means something very different. No part of me was hoping to cause her pain and I stand by my original claim of uninterrupted innocence.”

CNN has yet to put a timeline on Acosta’s return but its chief WH correspondent remains committed to clearing his name and is reportedly taking his suspension “one day at a time”.