APRÈS LA ROSE: (EP. 7) – *Hometown Girls*

By now it should be clear that there is no set day or time of the week for these rankings to come out — sometimes they pop up the day after Monday’s shit show, on Tuesday. Other times, like this, it can be a full week before I’ve had enough time to fully digest and reflect on the events unfolding in Colton’s quest for love.

Last week saw Kirpa, Heather, and Miss Alabama herself, Hannah B, all shown the proverbial door: Heather left by her own choosing after admitting she wasn’t ready to introduce Colton to her family. In Bachelor nation, that’s code for — “This is embarrassing. How did I make it this far? I can’t bring this person home to my family, are you f—ing kidding me? Where’s my Yukon, I’m outta here! — Some will say what she did was noble and choose to shower her with praise for the bravery and courage it must’ve taken to bow out of the competition early. She quit. Not exactly role model material.

*Shivers at how cold it just got*

Also –

  • After getting a second one-on-one date, Hannah B was eliminated while eating what I can only assume was airplane food (their dinner was staged in a hangar). Colton, being the ultimate gentleman, made sure he introduced Hannah to his family before giving her the ol’ Nick Saban “maybe next year…”
  • Kirpa lost out in a two-on-one setting, something I predicted would happen earlier, spilling the beans all the back in week two.
  • Tayshia et al. are full-blown colluding against Cassie and Caelynn.

Four ladies remain. And now we get to meet the families!

(click here for last week’s rankings)


1. CASSIE

Last ranking: 1 –   670,000 IG followers (up  27.4% since Feb. 12 — was at 130,000 followers back on Jan. 11)

Not buying what Tayshia and the others are selling concerning Cassie’s intentions and reason(s) for being there. If I’m wrong, well I guess I’m going down with the ship. Totally fine with it. I’d go down on Cassie’s ship any day of the week. Did that just get weird? Fuck, I’m sorry.

My new favourite gif

2. HANNAH G

Last ranking: 3 –  636,000 IG followers (up  29% since Feb. 12 — was at 180,000 followers back on Jan. 11)

That cackle outside the three-way dinner cut me so deep…

Look, I’m a fan of Hannah, but at that precise moment, all I gave a f–k about was Cassie’s heart. With one rose remaining and Miss Randolph sitting next to a desperately colluding Kirpa, the last thing I needed to hear was joyous cackling out front the goddamn funeral home (or whatever that place was).

In a good position heading into her family date with Colton.


3. TAYSHIA

Last ranking: 4  –  90,600 IG followers (up  57% since Feb. 12 — was at 14,800 back on Jan. 11)

Has to be the underdog story of the season (look at the social numbers ffs! The three other women all have triple digit social followings, two of which exceed half a million people) — could this divorcee stand toe to toe with three of the most popular, never-been-married before bombshells and come away victorious? I mean, maybe.

Something tells me Tayshia family time is going to produce the most drama, after hearing her speak about Mr. Adams specifically, and how her father may have some concerns about Colton wanting to ask for his already one-and-done daughter’s hand in marriage after such little time. Get your popcorn ready!


4. CAELYNN

Last ranking: 2 –  476,000 IG followers (up  24.9% since Feb. 12 — was at 56,600 followers back on Jan. 11)

I can only assume Caelynn interrupting the group date dinner likely prevented Colton from sending Cassie home. Respect. Fighting collusion with collusion, it’s why this show is so damn compelling.

Otherwise, t’was a harsh fall down the rankings for Caelynn, who drops to fourth after last week’s events. While she undoubtedly is drop-dead gorgeous, something has been off about her all season, and I harken back to Hannah B’s comments about her pageant rival’s tendency to, in any scenario, do whatever it takes to win. Caelynn could be a fake is all I’m saying…

Blah blah blah blah…Cassie should be in this spot…blah blah blah. Look, did you honestly think I was going to stick Cassie in the basement? Gtfoh! — was never going to happen, and if you thought this was the week for it and were caught off guard by my complete reluctance to “do the right thing”…well then…


ELIMINATED *BETTER LUCK IN PARADISE*

HANNAH B (did not receive a rose on one-on-one date)

HEATHER (opted to leave the show on the group date)

KIRPA (eliminated after Colton gave Cassie the final rose on the group date)

 

*Most current IG numbers pulled Feb. 25, 2019
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APRÈS LA ROSE: (EP. 6) – *’Miami’ is an all-time great song (as well as a city destined to drown)*

While one is never totally sure of the path this show will follow on a week-to-week basis, predicting certain outcomes can be akin to making an uncontested layup. Easy.

My gimme prediction from a week ago came to fruition, as both Oneyka and Nicole were left flowerless to kick things off Monday night. Oneyka leaving the show means Manhattan, Kansas gets its queen back. Meanwhile, returning to Miami, Nicole gets set to face questions about her loyalty towards a drowning city. Who would possibly want to leave such a place?

Both women put forth valiant efforts, but neither stood a ****ing chance, respectfully.

Also –

  • Kirpa arrives at the scene after more than a month spent doing fuck all (apart from slipping on rocks at the beach)
  • Buh Bye Demi — *Shucks. I really thought the convicted felon phone-a-friend was an innovative, out-of-the-box play call that would turn the tide of this game. But no go.*
  • Sydney says da’hell with this shit…

Seven rockets remain in the sky…

(click here for last week’s rankings)


1. CASSIE

Last ranking: 1 –   526,000 IG followers (up 15.6% since Feb. 7)

Untouchable.

2. CAELYNN

Last ranking: 2 – 381,000 IG followers (up 10.1% since Feb. 7)

Still feels like the main threat to Cassie’s rightful claim to the one ring– in the long run. Though, the love murmurings from Hannah G’s camp serve as proof that others are making noticeable progress.

Just can’t seem to shake the Hannah bug.

3. HANNAH G

Last ranking: 3 – 493,000 IG followers (up 9.6% since Feb. 7)

It was a big week for Hannah G(-Unittttt!)….:)…..but as I said before, she’s not at the level of Cassie and Caelynn (yet), though the dropping of an L-bomb is no small development. PIKACHU LEVELED UP!

Despite acing her one-on-one with Colton, Hannah will stay at three, but she remains a real threat to take home this season’s ultimate prize.

*Fun Fact: As a country, her IG follower count would rank 173rd in the world*

bb7d19fa-6985-44ff-915e-c3de7e18c994_text_hi.gif

4. TAYSHIA

Last ranking: 4  – 57,700 IG followers (up 20.7% since Feb. 7)

Holds onto the fourth spot after bagging a group date rose in an episode that saw five women get the boot…one actually kicking their own ass out the door.

To: Sydney (cc: Elyse)

(Did Tayshia peak too early? I’m starting to believe that to be the case…)

5. HEATHER

Last ranking: 7 – 124,000 IG followers (up 12.7% since Feb. 7)

Moves up two spots and is trending in the right direction at the right time.

*If lucky enough to advance to Fantasy Suites, rumour has it Colton is planning to drop The Bretter on Heather…*

I have a surprise for you…

6. KIRPA

Last ranking: 9 – 46,800 IG followers (up 30% since Feb. 7)

Did something!!! — Bagged a one-on-one date and freed herself from the stresses of a rose ceremony. Well done, Kirpa*

*Still not going to win

7. HANNAH B

Last ranking: 6– 214,000 IG followers (up 20.9% since Feb. 7)

In what some will call a surprising move, Hannah B drops to last. Given how things are looking, and also knowing what it takes to win (for one, actually talking on a date has been proven to help your cause), I not only think Hannah has little-to-no chance of winning, but I am supremely confident that a distraught and defeated Miss Alabama would make for really good television.

Also, the producers just owe us a Caelynn-Hannah B two-on-one.

 

ELIMINATED *BETTER LUCK IN PARADISE*

ONYEKA (did not receive a rose at the first ceremony *duh*)

NICOLE (did not receive a rose at the first ceremony *also duh*)

SYDNEY (left the show after feeling she wasn’t being given enough chances w/ Colton *Quitter*)

DEMI (sent home before second rose ceremony *most likely to deliver a parting hex to Colton*)

KATIE (did not receive a rose at the second ceremony *Must keep her head up. FWIW, Tim Duncan, a first-ballot NBA Hall of Famer, couldn’t survive in today’s NBA. This show was not made for somebody with Katie’s approach to relationships)

 

*IG data based on counts taken from Feb.7 and Feb.12

APRÈS LA ROSE: (EP. 4 & 5) – *BONUS DOUBLE EPISODE EDITION*

Last week, because of who left — Tracy and Courtney — I didn’t see the value in doing rankings. Sure, there were some moves made, including Caelynn sharing a heart-wrenching story about her past, but for the most part, the Singapore chapter of this season offered very little. Cassie’s dress slit though? Straight fire.

As for this past episode…holy effing shit – the pressure has ramped up to another level, and with it, some are finding it too tough to take. WE LOST ELYSE! – That’s right, we lost somebody who I felt had a real chance at winning, but as it turns out, Elyse was not able to cope with the mindfuck this show puts its participants through.

Also –

  • It’s Cassie v. Caelynn (the rest is just window dressing)
  • Tayshia is feeling confident
  • I’m skeptical about Heather claiming to have never been kissed. No way!

And Oneyka and Nicole both have got to go. Nobody cares about their sh*t.

(click here for the last edition)


1. CASSIE

Last ranking: 2 –  455,000 IG followers (up 111.6% since Jan. 22)

There was some good ass grabbing on that island.

– It’s over –

2. CAELYNN

Last ranking: 5 – 346,000 IG followers (up 226.4% since Jan. 22)

The only woman in the house capable of hanging with Cass. Can’t wait for their eventual staredown, though I’m inclined to believe the surfer wins a close decision.

3. HANNAH G

Last ranking: 3 – 450,000 IG followers (up 71.1% since Jan. 22)

I’m predicting Hannah G is eliminated after hometowns. This is based on absolutely nothing, though please know I am so dialled into this show at the moment, anything I say is bound to happen.

The third spot is nothing to pout about, but I don’t see Hannah climbing any higher. Nowhere to go but down from here (even with a solo date on tap).

4. TAYSHIA

Last ranking: 8  – 47,800 IG followers (up 135.5% since Jan. 22)

The lantern lighting was a nice touch — I friggin love those things, ok!

Tayshia appears to be riding a bit of a high after her date in Singapore, pulling Colton aside for several kisses on the group date in Thailand. We’re starting to see shades of Demi in her game. At least for now, it appears to be working in her favour.

5. KATIE

Last ranking: 4 – 39,300 IG followers (up 87.1% since Jan. 22)

A firm believer in the fundamentals. Effective without being flashy, a.k.a. the Tim Duncan of Bachelor – Season 23.

6. HANNAH B

Last ranking: 12 – 177,000 IG followers (up 120.7% since Jan. 22)

Bagged a rose on the group date and appears to be in a better place after losing her goddamn mind over Caelynn winning a bogus pirate show and landing a one on one.

The big climb in the rankings is more a byproduct of me overreacting to her struggles in prior weeks, but Hannah B, even as she climbs back into the top 10, seems like she’s destined to fall short in her quest for Colton’s heart. There’s just too much competition, and as we know, Miss Alabama has no interest in competing in another pageant…

7. HEATHER

Last ranking: 6 – 110,000 IG followers (up 161.3% since Jan. 22)

I continue to have a hard time believing a rocket like Heather has never been kissed. Much like I had trouble coming to terms with Colton being a virgin. THESE ARE GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE! I DON’T GET IT!

Heather was good in a one-on-one setting, but I can’t see her pulling this off, and so Heather drops a spot. Not much more needs to be said.

8. DEMI

Last ranking: 7 – 190,000 IG followers (up 205.0% since Jan. 22)

Has quieted down after a hot start, but Demi remains a key cog in the Bachelor machine, in that her antics are more than capable of torpedoing another individual’s chances at finding love. I’ve gone on record several times saying Demi won’t win, but that won’t stop her from derailing somebody else’s dream.

(STAY AWAY FROM CASSIE!)

9. KIRPA

Last ranking: 13 – 36,000 IG followers (up 185.7% since Jan. 22)

Picked up five stitches on her chin, as well as a sprained wrist after falling at the beach in an unaired scene…

…at least Kirpa is getting more involved. Need more of that.

10. SYDNEY

Last ranking: 10 – 17,100 IG followers (up 86.9 % since Jan. 22)

I caught Sydney dancing during a commercial break as a means to pass the time

*Gone any day now*

11. ONYEKA

Last ranking: 9 – 18,000 IG followers (up 91.9 % since Jan. 22)

End of the line.

12. NICOLE

Last ranking: 11 – 79,900 IG followers (up 227.5 % since Jan. 22)

I’ll say this – maybe Nicole wants out of Miami because she knows it’s 5-10 years away from being entirely underwater. She’s just being proactive.

Like Oneyka, Nicole has reached the end of the line

 

ELIMINATED *BETTER LUCK IN PARADISE*

 

COURTNEY (last week)

TRACY (last week)

ELYSE (this week) *Quit*

 

*IG data based on counts taken from Jan. 22 and Feb.7

APRÈS LA ROSE: (EP. 3) *Pageant Drama rears its ugly head…again*

After channelling her inner Bill Kazmaier and pulling a limousine, Caitlin — Canada’s last remaining hope — couldn’t even last till the rose ceremony — you could sense things weren’t going well when she and Colton were talking…

The fact that the Toronto realtor didn’t even make it the end of the episode before Colton subjected her to a ride of shame speaks volumes about how far Caitlin was from being a legitimate contender in this competition.

Speaking of competitions…how about Hannah B and Caelynn?!?!

The two pageant ladies have quite the history with one another, dating back to their days competing against one another in beauty pageants. I don’t know who’s lying (maybe you do, and if so, congratulations). If I’m Colton, I pose the “How would you bring about world peace?” question to both and eliminate one based on their respective answers. My gut says Caelynn is the saner one, but I really have no idea.

Also –

  • Demi’s uptempo assault on Colton is paying off (sort of), in that the other women are being thrown off by her antics. Is Colton enjoying his evil barbie experience?
  • Colton is awesome with kids (picture Arie on that date…awkward and awful would’ve been the result)
  • If Elyse doesn’t win, she needs to be strongly considered for the next Bachelorette (assuming she’s interested in such an honour)

We’re down to 15. Half the hedges are gone, and Colton’s pathway to love is becoming clearer and clearer with each passing week.

(click here for last week’s power rankings)


1. ELYSE

Last week: 6 – IG followers up 37.4% from the previous week

Everybody! Go give Elyse’s IG account a follow.

As of Jan. 22, her account (which is for her cosmetic business) had only 125 followers (?!?!)…Her level of star power warrants bigger numbers. Let’s go, Bach Nation!

For a second straight week, Elyse showed why she is not to be taken lightly despite being six years Colton’s senior. As a co-star in one of the more memorable one-on-one dates in Bachelor history, the 31-year-old captured (North) America’s heart this week with her story of heartbreak and perseverance. If I hadn’t already professed my love for a certain speech pathologist, Elyse would be my favourite to ultimately be the one standing in front of Colton as he bends a knee.

2. CASSIE

Last week: 2 – IG followers up 37.8% from the previous week

Drops one spot, largely because of Elyse’s stellar performance. It felt criminal not to put the stoic redhead No. 1 after the display she put on.

As for the smooth-speaking Californian surfer, Cassie needs to stay patient and wait for her solo opportunity. She can’t get caught up in the successes of other women. After all, she gives Colton “butterflies” (his words).

*Gun to my head* – Cassie remains my pick.

3. HANNAH G

Last week: 5 – IG followers up 27.1% from the previous week

Did not receive a date this week, but the lack of face time with Colton means very little. Hannah was the first name out of the bachelor’s mouth when push came to shove at the rose ceremony.

Moves up two spots this week and now holds a spot in the top three. Hannah G is the real *doll* deal.

4. KATIE

Last week: 4 – IG followers up 33.8% from the previous week

Katie, according to Colton, “keeps it real.”

In honour of that, I’m allowing Katie to keep her spot at No. 4. She brings a lot to the table, but for the time being, will remain outside the top three.

5. CAELYNN

Last week: 15 – IG followers up 59.2% from the previous week

As far as her and Hannah B are concerned, I don’t even know where to begin, though I’m inclined to believe Hannah B (not Caelynn) is hiding something.

But if I’m being honest –

Caelynn definitely seems to have a connection with Colton. She needs Hannah B gone. And fast.

6. HEATHER

Last week: 3 – IG followers up 108.4% from the previous week

Heather experienced far and away the biggest jump in social numbers this week, likely stemming from her big reveal a week ago.

Based on how other relationships are progressing, something tells me Colton breaks Heather’s heart later in the season, and with that in mind, I’m dropping her down a few spots this week.

7. DEMI

Last week: 2 – IG followers up 81.1% from the previous week

Nearly doubled her IG following.

Demi remains this season’s most polarizing participant, but her blindfolded spanking stunt felt like a miss after seeing and “feeling” Colton’s reaction to it.

The dude’s never boned…who in their right mind thinks he’s ready for blindfolds and paddles?

8. TAYSHIA

Last week: 8  – IG followers up 19.4% from the previous week

Tayshia was the second name called at the rose ceremony but continues to be predominantly a background piece on the mansion chess board.

Expect Colton to give her a shot soon.

9. ONYEKA

Last week: 11 – IG followers up 32.6% from the previous week

More than anyone else, I want Demi and Oneyka to get sassy with one another. Think of the fireworks those two could cause…

In terms of what’s actually gone down so far, Oneyka performed extremely well on her group date, winning the strongest woman competition hosted by Terry Crews and his wife, Rebecca-King Crews (who is beautiful on the inside).

10. SYDNEY

Last week: 12 – IG followers up 25.7% from the previous week

Very flexible.

Still hanging out in the background too much to be considered a serious threat in this competition, but Sydney’s stretching play moves her up a couple of spots.

11. NICOLE

Last week: 14 – IG followers up 59.5% from the previous week

Snagged the second group date rose after a comedically bad display at the strongest woman competition. Have group date roses lost all meaning?! #CmonMan

This high-paced, Miami-based Cuban remains a longshot to walk away with a ring. Having said that, she still finds herself up a few spots in the rankings after a solid performance in week three.

12. HANNAH B

Last week: 7 – IG followers up 66% from the previous week

What the f*** is going on at beauty pageant competitions in the States?

Hannah is infatuated with Caelynn and has decided to bring their dirty pageant laundry into the mansion. Bad move.

Also had to beg for a kiss from Colton after attempting to blow up Caelynn’s game.

“I didn’t come here to compete in another pageant” – Hannah B

Newsflash — a pageant is precisely what you signed up for, HB.

13. COURTNEY

Last week: 9 – IG followers up 5.2% from the previous week

Courtney is barely on the show. The girl needs to get rolling and do so soon. Barely saw her IG follower count rise as a result of her stale game. Give the people what they want. Start some drama. Do something. Anything.

Am I making myself clear? #pickitup

14. KIRPA

Last week: 13 – IG followers up 48.8% from the previous week

Kirpa is cruising under the radar to this point. If she’s to satisfy my prediction from a week ago, she’s going to need to start making one or more enemies.

Drops a spot this week and needs to do a better job imposing her will on this game moving forward.

15. TRACY

Last week: 18 – IG followers up 39.3% from the previous week

Demi’s punching bag.

 

ELIMINATED *BETTER LUCK IN PARADISE*

BRI

  • Last week: 10
  • IG followers up 16.5% from the previous week

CAITLIN

  • Last week: 16
  • IG followers up 42.3% from the previous week

CATHERINE

  • Last week: 17
  • IG followers up 70.4% from the previous week

NINA

  • Last week: 19
  • IG followers up 18.4% from the previous week

 

 

*IG data based on counts taken from Jan. 15 and Jan 22.

APRÈS LA ROSE: (EP. 2) *Evil Demi is awesome*

We’re truly off!

After a mostly uneventful premiere, Season 23’s second episode (but really it’s first) featured several big reveals, including one that could change the complexion of this game entirely.

Also – Demi is a cold, cold you know what, and I’m totally here for it. And Cassie has more poise than Tom Brady.

Other observations –

  • Hannah B *wow*
  • What is Tracy still doing on the show? Does anybody know?
  • I was way off with some of my initial rankings. To be expected.

And finally – the rankings now feature IG follower counts for each contestant. No need to thank me for busting out the advanced metrics. 

(click here for last week’s power rankings)


1. CASSIE

Last week: 1 – IG followers up 20% from the previous week

Remains my ride-or-die in this competition.

Was completely unfazed by Demi’s antics.

(Kudos to Demi though. The show always needs a villain, and she’s absolutely crushing it early on.)

2. DEMI

Last week: 6 – IG followers up 31.3% from the previous week

Some (wo)men just want to watch the world burn…has assumed the role of villain and her antics have already fired up a few ladies in the house, most notably Tracy.

Failed to deliver on her promise to take home the first group date rose.

 

(Finally…Demi’s laugh is annoying on a criminal level.)

3. HEATHER

Last week: 22 – IG followers up 65.6% from the previous week

Heather’s story obviously vaults her up the rankings. Much like Colton, is in no hurry to do the dirty. Taking it one step further…Heather’s never kissed a boy.

I missed the mark on this, ranking her 22nd last week. Heather, at least for the time being, is a betting favourite.

4. KATIE

Last week: 5 – IG followers up 21.7% from the previous week

Katie put in a nice performance on the glamping date, opening Colton’s eyes in the process. I don’t think he had much time for her until finding out about their similar upbringings.

Creeping towards a top-three spot.

5. HANNAH G

Last week: 2 – IG followers up 15% from the previous week

Colton plopped Hannah G’s name in the middle of the rose ceremony, but her position there means very little.

Hannah isn’t going home, at least not anytime soon. *Doll status*

6. ELYSE

Last week: 15 – IG followers up 18.2% from the previous week

HUGE JUMP after a stellar showing! Came away with a rose on the show’s first group date.

With age comes wisdom, and Elyse, after her performance on the show’s first group date, may have Colton contemplating life with an older woman. Could the 26-year-old, former two-star recruit and all-American, fall in love with a 31-year-old makeup artist…?

(I mean…….yeah…totally!)

7. HANNAH B

Last week: 17 – IG followers up 39.6% from the previous week

Starred in the show’s first cringe-worthy solo date (also happened to be the first one-on-one date of the season). The first half of the date was a trainwreck, plain and simple. Hard to watch. The hot tub saved it…(hot tubs turn any bad situation immediately into a good one).

All that said, what an unbelievable comeback by Miss Alabama! She handled adversity better than I thought she could. Showing off that pageant experience early on.

8. TAYSHIA

Last week: 13  – IG followers up 14.9% from the previous week

Need to see more from her.

She may have snagged the first rose at the ceremony, and that is most certainly something to build off, but Tayshia needs to step it up if she’s going to advance to the later stages of the show.

Nothing but untapped potential at this point.

9. COURTNEY

Last week: 16 – IG followers up 6.2% from the previous week

Courtney didn’t have to wait very long for a rose at the ceremony, walking away with the fourth flower of the evening.

Laying in the weeds and has yet to make a real move, but the early rose is an encouraging sign.

10. BRI

Last week: 18 – IG followers up 7.6% from the previous week

Wasn’t really featured in this episode. Probably busy practicing a new accent.

11. ONYEKA

Last week: 9 – IG followers up 17.4% from the previous week

Nice to see some early fireworks between her and Sydney.

Remains most likely to get physical at some point.

12. SYDNEY

Last week: 7 – IG followers up 14.6% from the previous week

Might have saved her season by speaking with Colton at the cocktail party, Sydney desperately needs more screen time or she could be going home, possibly as early as next week.

13. KIRPA

Last week: dead last – IG followers up 41.3% from the previous week

I stand corrected – Kirpa could be a factor in this love riddle after all.

A rose at the ceremony keeps the 26-year-old dental hygienist around for at least one more week, but she feels like an eventual casualty of the dreaded two-on-one date. #Prediction

14. NICOLE

Last week: 14 – IG followers up 27.5% from the previous week

Wants to help kids and individuals with autism so I’m rooting for her. I think Nicole, however, might be a bit too much for Colton. Don’t have a great feeling about her.

That said, I envision her starring in paradise one of these years.

15. CAELYNN

Last week: 3 – IG followers up 17.7% from the previous week

How quickly the game can change…?

A week after being chosen first at the rose ceremony, Caelynn had to wait until there were only three roses remaining before hearing her name called.

16. CAITLIN

Last week: 12 – IG followers up 30.3% from the previous week

Canada’s last remaining hope. Obviously rooting for her. I don’t see it, but I hope I’m wrong.

(Prove me wrong, Caitlin. Please!)

17. CATHERINE

Last week: 10 – IG followers up 72.5% from the previous week

Where’s her dog?!?!……………..(seriously, where is it?)

After coming out of week one as the main villain, Catherine was overtaken by Demi this week.

If not as the villain, Catherine has no business being on the show. Demi’s coming out party may have triggered the end of her brief run as the mansion bitch. We shall see.

18. TRACY

Last week: 11 – IG followers up 13.4% from the previous week

Can’t handle the heat.

If not by Demi, Tracy will be broken by another woman (or possibly even Colton) before long.

*Gives off the vibe of a heavy smoker, no?*

19. NINA

Last week: 21 – IG followers up 105.1% from the previous week

Nearly went home before snagging the second-to-last rose.

More than doubled her Instagram following! CONGRATS! (Already getting her money’s worth!)

The 30-year-old Croatian needs to elevate her game, or she risks becoming a total afterthought in this competition. *Afterthoughts don’t get roses*

 

ELIMINATED *BETTER LUCK IN PARADISE*

ALEX B

  • (last week: 4)
  • IG followers up 16% from the previous week

ERIKA

  • (last week: 8)
  • IG followers up 14.4% from the previous week

ANGELIQUE

  • (last week: 19)
  • IG followers up 2.8% from the previous week

ANNIE

  • (last week: 20)
  • IG followers up 6.9% from the previous week

 

*IG data based on counts taken from Jan. 11 and Jan 15.

Après la rose: (Ep. 1) *To New Beginnings*

Well well well…it’s back. #BachelorSZN has arrived, and with it, Colton Underwood has officially begun his quest for love. Did you know he’s a virgin?

Monday’s premiere was an hour too long. Those viewing parties were abysmal, although it’s good to know that Blake has stopped crying. Jason remains a stud, and I genuinely hope that man finds someone special. Probably should start his search in Chris Harrison’s Paradise…

Watching this show in its traditional format has reminded me how much better its spinoff is. I’m of course referring to Bachelor in Paradise.

I refuse to believe the main reason for going on The Bachelor, or The Bachelorette is to “find love”. For some, maybe. But for most, it’s about getting seen. It’s HGH for your social media following. You go on with 5,000 followers and you leave with 500,000. If you find love in the process, that’s a bonus.

All that said, I (and many others) cannot wait to see how this season turns out. Colton has a solid roster of ladies to choose from, all of whom appear smitten over the former NFL practice squad standout. FYI, practice squad players make like $100,000 a year to never play a game...must be nice.

Now, considering the sample size, these initial power rankings could be way off. It is, however, worth mentioning that I picked Garrett as the winner after only one episode. So with that in mind, here is the first edition of Bachelor Season 23 Power Rankings…


1. Cassie

A certified sweetheart, Cassie looks like she could hold the key to Colton’s heart. A speech pathologist from Huntington Beach, California, the 23-year-old appears to be cool, calm and collected. As the season progresses, I’m sure we will see different sides of her, much like we will every other person, as they are sleep deprived and given copious amounts of alcohol on and off screen to “enhance” the experience for Bachelor Nation.

If I’m picking an early favourite, this is my gal.

2. Hannah G

Hannah G is a content creator who loves food (good, or else she’d die) as well as glamping. Name me something more “basic” than glamourous camping…I’ll wait.

Took home the first impression rose after blowing Colton…away. Had you for a sec, didn’t I? Was shocked when she discovered Colton’s revolutionary relaxation technique consisting of three deep breaths worked. You Google that, Colt?

All jokes aside, Hannah figures to be a real threat to come out of this season with a ring on her finger, provided she doesn’t get caught up in the mind games that others in the house will tempt her with.

3. Caelynn

Your job is Miss North Carolina? What does that pay, if you don’t mind me asking? I didn’t know that honour came with residuals.

Caelynn was able to snag the first kiss and also was the first name out of Colton’s mouth at the inaugural rose ceremony. Clearly, Mr. Clean*dink* sees something in the 23-year-old. She’ll look to stay hot next week and continue building chemistry with Mr. Underwood, in hopes of becoming Mrs. Underwood down the road.

4. Alex B

Alex B was sick during her intro, but a lack of words did little to sway Colton. As she walked into the mansion, the star of the show could be seen uttering: “I wish I could’ve talked to her”.

Is a dog rescuer with 5,000 confirmed saves under her belt. Also lived in a van at one point in her life…*cue Matt Foley gif*…this Canadian has a shot, albeit not as great as some others, but it’s early. A lot can happen still.

5. Katie

Orchestrated a slick intro that started out as a card trick but ended with her taking Colton’s V-card. Somebody had to do it.

Katie was the second to receive a rose at the ceremony, after bagging a kiss earlier in the night. This chick is no slouch. Also prefers glamping to camping…ffs.

6. Demi

Took initiative on night one, as she was the first to “borrow” Colton after the introductions were completed. Openly admitted to dating a virgin…when she was 12.

Admittedly, I am getting some fake vibes from Demi, but that’s to be expected in this type of show when you consider what’s at stake. WE’RE TALKING ABOUT TRUE LOVE HERE! YOU DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!

Regardless of my feels, Colton definitely sees something in this petite blonde. Could totally see him singing and dancing alongside his sweet jeep, trying to impress this outdoorsy Texan.

7. Sydney

As much as I’d like to consider Sydney a dark horse in the race for Colton’s heart, something tells me she’s going to drop down these rankings as the weeks add up. I think she tried desperately to build a connection, going so far as to plan a first dance in the mansion’s driveway. Something about Colton’s body language has me thinking he will give her every chance, but in the end, Sydney is going to come out of this empty-handed. Hope I’m wrong because I actually kinda dig her.

8. Erika

Her last name is Mcnutt…so she gave Colton a jar of nuts as a housewarming gift. Wasted no time putting him on the spot about his reason for staying a virgin as long as he has, which I liked…never be afraid to ask the tough questions.

Claims to be able to eat anything without gaining weight, something I also profess to be capable of. I’m rooting for her.

9. Onyeka

I think as the season goes on, more and more people are going to fall in love with Onyeka. She’s as real as they come and even confronted Catherine regarding the DJ’s habit of interrupting other women during their time with Colton.

Probably the most likely to punch a bitch this season. Here for it.

10. Catherine

This season’s Krystal. Set a record for Bachelor “steals” with four interruptions on the first night. Undeniably the most annoying contestant after night one. Some may take her constant interruptions as a sign of her commitment to winning. Not sure Colton wants to wife a DJ from Florida gut who knows…

Brought a dog and told Colton he has to win both it and her over. Not how the show works, babe. A producer’s dream…Catherine will be around longer than she probably deserves to be. Huuuuge lips.

11. Tracy

Bagged the first interruption of the season but was quickly outdone by Catherine.

Says she could live off a diet consisting only of hot dogs. If Colton kicks her to the curb, I’ll certainly be giving Tracy a shout, as I too am a lover of the world’s dirtiest meat product.

12. Caitlin

One of two Canadians in the running to take Colton’s V-card for real. Caitlin is a Toronto realtor and us Canadians support one another.

Popped a balloon during her first impression — meant to represent Colton’s cherry. Not afraid to grab or eat low-hanging fruit.

13. Tayshia

Draws blood for a living, so you know Tayshia is hard as shit. Hopefully, she brings her work to the mansion and puts some uppity ladies in their places.

Colton digs her. Potential dark horse status.

14. Nicole

She’s gonna doubt herself right out of the competition. I think Nicole is a doll, but her clear lack of confidence is a red flag to me. Also could be a pot stirrer, though not to the level of crazy Catherine.

Also, I don’t know what the **** I’m talking about most of the time, so maybe Nicole wins the whole thing.

15. Elyse

Like Colton, Elyse is a virgin of sorts, in that she’s never travelled outside the United States. Feels like the token ginger of the cast so almost no shot she wins. Gingers can’t have nice things. I would know…I am one.

16. Courtney

Supposedly afraid of all reptiles so I’m assuming Colton’s untainted snake will freak Courtney out if she’s lucky enough to make it the Fantasy Suites.

Was pumping the tires of Georgian peaches during her intro…

17. Hannah B

Just a hunch, but I think Hannah B’s accent reminds Colton too much of Tia. Because of that, I don’t think she winds up the winner. That said, her looks and personality will definitely carry her into the middle weeks of the competition.

18. Bri

LEGENDARY INTRO highlighted by a fake accent. Bri is in it to win it and will seemingly do whatever it takes to show Colton that. Favourite sport is hockey, so I’m thinking of sliding into her DMs #stereotypesinaction

19. Angelique

Gave off a stripper vibe during intros. Perhaps that’s just me reacting to her leaving Colton covered in glitter.

I know…I’m an asshole.

20. Annie

Aced Colton’s football quiz which consisted of knowing how many points a team is awarded for a touchdown in football. Tied with Colton for career games played in the NFL with zero.

I probably have Annie ranked too low, much like I had Jason after episode one of Becca’s season. This self-proclaimed party starter could vault up the leaderboard before long, possibly as early as next week.

21. Nina

Afraid of heights but would love to be an astronaut for a day…wait, what? I can’t figure Nina out.

This is a young person’s game, so at 30 years of age, Nina could be fighting an uphill battle as long as she remains in the house.

22. Heather

According to her bio, Heather has never kissed a boy. I think that puts her behind the eight balls. Then again, maybe that’s what Colton wants…a girl like him. Just think of how special the sex would be. I don’t see Heather lasting long in this race though.

23. Kirpa

Full jobber status. No shot.

 

Buckle up, ladies and gentlemen. We’re in for quite the season.

Every woman during Colton’s one-on-one talks with another ladyyy

 

ELIMINATED *Better Luck in Paradise*

  • Tahzjuan
  • Alex D
  • Devin
  • Revian
  • Laura
  • Jane
  • Erin