Report: Eating Tide Pods leads to a dirty mind

The Smoking Gun – Earlier this month, a grown-ass man in Council Bluffs, Iowa went full-blown Sarah Connor in a hospital, on the heels of ingesting a Tide Pod capsule.

Admittedly, my comparison to SC’s heroic escape from James Cameron’s T2: Judgement Day is a tad much here, but who’s gonna object to such a stretch when it’s meant to justify the inclusion of a truly iconic scene in cinema?

So badass! Anyways…the damage caused by Brandon McVay, 27, was estimated to exceed $7,500 US, according to local authorities. Along with broken glass and smashed desktops, the aftermath clearly showed that he was in a particularly filthy mood at the time everything went down. Odd considering how clean his insides must have been.

The hospital’s administrator, Debra Downer, was in shock at how out of control McVay was during his detergent-fuelled episode, going on to say she believes we are going too far in our societal bid to combat what she calls “ungovernable lapses in intelligence” –

Anybody whose age is a two-digit number should know better than to eat a laundry detergent caplet. Children aged 0-9 are still learning what their bodies should and shouldn’t consume so caution must be exercised when criticizing their dietary missteps. On the other end, those determined to truck through life long enough to reach 100 should be allowed to eat whatever the fuck they want. Pardon my language, it’s been an extraordinary day. All I’m saying is I don’t think we should prevent the obscenely elderly from eating anything, even if it means allowing them to drop detergent every now and then. But everybody else, give your fucking heads a shake. We are talking about untreatable, ungovernable lapses in intelligence.”

Those were Downer’s fake words in a fake interview, constructed solely for the purposes of this post. But look, if you’re between the ages of 10 and 99, eating a Tide Pod should disqualify you from medical attention. Either gut it out on your own and overcome the discomfort associated with detergent in the bloodstream, otherwise accept the consequences of natural selection.

…now to finish Sarah’s escape (I bet she would’ve snacked on a pod or two had they been a thing in her day).


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