Words of wisdom on my birthday…(meanwhile, some woman stabbed her boyfriend in the face for not having sex with her)

The Smoking Gun – As I celebrate my birthday on what is a gloomy third episode of October, I confide in the nation of four, maybe five people reading this that there will be no birthday sex for me…

Truthfully, hand to heart, it’s not a big deal. Plus, I’ll be too busy watching hockey to want to put in the effort required to woo a female stranger, even if such effort amounts to swiping right on one’s phone and subsequently deciding which dive bar to meet at. Nah, I’m good.

Being single isn’t for everyone but it’s something I’ve gotten quite decent at over my years on this planet. Some might say I’ve mastered it…makes sense given my time spent as a lone wolf far exceeds the 10,000-hour threshold.

Meanwhile, the most underappreciated world-class professional, you ask?

Thurgood Jenkins and Peter Parker are my two heroes, both having found soulmates carrying the name, “Mary Jane”. The Mary Jane closest to me is often told she smells bad…

Back to me being alone –

Are there times I wish I had a partner-in-crime? Sure. Wedding season comes to mind.

I hate weddings, always have. I wish more individuals “objected” in times that openly allowed for such “f*ck around” comments to be made. If nothing else, it would make an otherwise boring and mundane moment far more entertaining. Instead, the small window historically afforded to attendees is rarely offered nowadays, omitted entirely because marriages are made official before ceremonies even take place. As a result, standing up and yelling “SHE F*CKED A SAILOR,”, or, (in the spirit of inclusiveness and equal opportunity), “HE SLEPT WITH SHEENA AT MARDI GRAS!”, will do nothing to erase what has already been written into law. Also, if the nature of those unsolicited, completely hypothetical remarks disgusted you, here’s a more polite example:

“Yo, are you both sure about this? Just cause the two of you share a love for travel, each adore furry companions, and happened to send each other Facebook friend requests at exactly the same time, it doesn’t mean it’s time to submit to marriage. I just think it might be too early, having known you both for quite some time. Anyways, apologies to both families, especially any step-parents in attendance. I know this might be a touchy subject for you guys in particular. Happy to discuss in greater detail with anyone. Cheers…oh, and sorry to the father, the son, and that holy spirit thing as well,”

– A concerned, and uncomfortably polite guest   

(Btw, Sheena is a whorish name. Objectively speaking. I can’t be certain, but every third escort in Vegas probably uses it with clients. Much like a jeep, a Sheena is wired for dirty duty. I once knew a Sheena who enjoyed getting peed on.) 

Whether given a window to do so or not, what would happen if someone spoke up? —- Besides the bride freaking the f*ck out, of course. Should the wedding stop and a debate between the concerned party and happy couple commence immediately? I’m genuinely curious how such an event would (and should) unfold in the present day. I wish I had the courage to conduct such an experiment myself but it’s simply not a minefield I’m willing to navigate. Maybe there’s a gal out there who shares my cruel curiosity when it comes to wedding etiquette and would be, in these times of female empowerment, happy to f*ck around at an upcoming “50-50 ceremony” and speak up on our behalf. If said gal is reading this, perhaps birthday sex isn’t off the table after all…

…which leads me, sort of, to the actual “f*ck-around” nature for this post.

I don’t know if what went down in Vero Beach, Florida had anything to do with the concepts of marriage, or birthday sex. However, those in relationships know there are very few excuses one can use to get out of having to perform on their better half’s birthday. It’s the right of every spoken-for individual to have their most sensitive organ stimulated at least once every 365. F*ck going to the doctor for a physical, that’s for single people…if you’re off the market, birthday sex is the most important physical you’ll undergo in any given year. Try out new things, really engage the body, head-to-toe…record any pain points and google that shit afterward.

On September 27, 2018, Katherine Nieves-Tavarez, 27, was hellbent on having sex, a clear indication it was her birthday otherwise she is without any legitimate excuse to explain her actions. Having struck out multiple times, Nieves-Tavarez opted for a much riskier approach in her bid to convince her boyfriend to do the deed. Rather than trying to ease him into a change of heart via a spontaneous titty flash, or perhaps a more progressive technique such as a Netflix and Chill sesh, Katherine decided to handle the matter…………….BY STABBING HER BOYFRIEND IN THE GODDAMN FACE!!

Now, besides the conscious withholdment of a birthday blast-off, what else could drive a woman to enter a state of knife-wielding rage?

Let me just say had the genders been reversed, we’d be reading about a guy awaiting capital punishment. But alas, it was a woman, not a man, playing the villain in this domestic dispute and the dude should’ve known something was up with Katherine the moment he found out she spelled her name with a “K” instead of a “C”. Most everytime, when someone spells a kommon name the wrong way, you can bet they are twisted and prone to bouts of explosive, unpredictable behaviour:

“Sorry, it’s actually Konnie, with a “K”.” — Ok, you’re a psycho.

(Karla Homolka is a sadistic serial killer, not to mention my hypothetical bride-to-be in a prior post. If you thought I was crazy before, ha! Meanwhile, Carla Homolka reads more like a division manager that, through the changing of one letter in her name along with adopting a more hands-on approach with people, could up her team’s productivity a peg or two. Word is, during the recruitment and selection process, she struggles to convince quality candidates to work for her…understandable)

Katherine Nieves-Tavarez, 27 —- (Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson’s daughter is somehow older than both of them)

I hope Nieves-Tavarez’s boyfriend heals up and returns to what I’m sure are some outside-the-box, entrepreneurial endeavours. May I recommend he finds another lady to share the journey with? After all, this is the second time these two have been involved in an altercation that required police intervention. Probably best for both to go their separate ways at this point. Honestly, I wish nothing but the best for both of them, once this has all been cleared up.

Relationships are hard. Much like a nerdy scientist with no time (much less hope) for a relationship of their own, I’ve spent countless years casually observing all kinds of these biological experiments — after all, that’s essentially what marriage is: Two people opting to combine their respective properties, unsure of how things will ultimately turn out. They have their ups and downs; full of love and happiness one moment only to descend into darkness mere hours after leaving the celebration of Sarah and Steve’s “unforgettable day”.

If you’re sure about having found the undisputed “one” and are convinced that life without them would be, like a Trump speech, pointless and void of true meaning, then I commend you. If you’re already married, I offer you my sincerest congratulations and best wishes for an amazing future. If you’re still mulling the idea over, just be sure about your ultimate decision. Also, best not invite me to the *fake* ceremony…I’m old, having just turned 30, and if you’ve been paying attention, you now know what I have planned for future holy matrimonies that dare to test my curiosity.

But just remember, through the good times and through the bad ones especially, stay between the knives and your so-called loved one…

…and never trust anybody who spells their name the kool way.


(Bring on the dirty thirties)








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