This fruit tastes like ASS

The Smoking Gun – “Sir! Drop the fruit!”


I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself “extreme”, in that I don’t salivate at the thought of skydiving or bungee jumping. I’ve refused to go scuba diving on multiple occasions because, well you know, sharks.

Hell, I live in Toronto — mere minutes from the CN Tower — and have zero interest in doing the EdgeWalk, an activity built with the highest international safety and security standards in mind — the thought of paying $225 to shit my pants is in no way appealing. Furthermore, the thought of dealing with the aftermath of somebody being dive-bombed by my deuce causes me to sweat more than a gypsy with a mortgage.

(I’d marry Karla Homolka if it meant I could unhinge myself from that death trap)

Anyways –

While I’m overly cautious as it pertains to certain matters, I’m by no means an across-the-board slave to the “check-down” game.

I’ll ride roller coasters, I’ve been zip-lining in Thailand (a place entirely void of safety standards), and periodically, I’ll participate in the objectively dangerous exercise of late-night running. If you can’t outrun a mash potato-brained human being (code for methhead), perhaps nature is simply thinning the herd.

In addition to the above activities, all of which are objectively extreme, I’ve long felt that washing produce is nothing more than a waste of water. I spent two months eating bags of unwashed fruit sold to me by sketchy Thai folk and yet I’m still standing. Your immune system needs a workout every now and then.

Scrapping the need for a “pre-game shower” and thus exposing oneself to a catalogue of deathly diseases is perhaps my diciest and most jaw-dropping quality. Some have called me “crazy”, others deemed me “reckless”…the harshest assessment ever, you ask?

“You’re a fucking idiot”

– A real straight shooter

All that said, I may have to re-think my stance on the matter after discovering the existence of people like Michael Dwayne Johnson, a 27-year-old man from Manassas, Virginia. This heartless SOB had the nerve to calmly stroll into a Giant Food grocery store, only to start rubbing various produce items on his ass (!!!). Not over top of his jeans, either. Nope. His bare ass! Fresh banana, SWIPE UP…RIGHT BETWEEN THE CHEEKS!

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Making matters worse was Johnson didn’t even buy the products he used in his oddly-staged anal massage. He instead just placed them back on the shelf, running the risk of other customers sniffing them out. Yeah, this kiwi feels ripe……………………….Um, excuse me, M’am….yeah, those kiwis aren’t naturally that brown.

If the guy had rubbed a few berries and melons over his taint and subsequently put them in his basket, I would’ve been fine with it. Still weird as ****, don’t get me wrong, but most of us wash the fruit anyway…….not me…….despite knowing something I would’ve rather been ignorant towards, I will forge ahead in my extreme ways. People like Michael Dwayne “NOT THE ROCK” Johnson may be out there, tainting foods — quite literally — that we all cherish as summer-time snacks, both in solid and smoothie form. I will not change to accommodate his, or anyone’s brown-eyed fetishes.

In closing, I encourage every grocery store employee to remain vigilant in their respective calls of duty. The aisles of your stores are no longer safe, having become nesting grounds for obscure butt play. I’ve long been a believer in your sanitary practices, convinced they go above and beyond reasonable and acceptable levels. Don’t make me regret my decision. We all have our own ways of cutting back water usage and part of my strategy relies on your stores’ produce not being marinated in fecal matter before it reaches my basket.

Fun Fact: I enjoy long showers (10 minutes, sometimes longer) and have always been a liberal flusher when the situation calls for it, thus my personal water-reduction strategy contains some “outside the box” components. 








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