Report: Tiger Woods attends naked orgy; ‘Lefty’ present as well (likely overseeing several shady deals)

Let’s just say Tiger Woods’ teammates are divided on whether they feel the PGA Tour’s undisputed apex predator has truly conquered all his past demons…

A revitalized Woods headed into this weekend’s Ryder Cup riding a high, having won the Tour Championship this past Sunday, his first win on the PGA Tour since 2013.

However…………………………it all came crashing down yesterday when one of Woods’ teammates (unnamed at this point) noticed Tiger roaming around Paris’ “Sexy District” — *not a real place…though I suppose it could be, just I doubt that’s how you refer to it when speaking with the locals — Pouvez-vous me dire où est le “quartier sexy”?*

As it turns out, he [Woods] was on his way to a rented establishment, preparing to host a large group of like-minded sex machines. The party, we were told, had the makings of your typical naked orgy.

Also present was Phil Mickelson, who reportedly was making the rounds but doing so fully clothed, having failed to satisfy the party’s minimum physique requirements. Sources told the media he treated partygoers to a live performance of his Mizzen+Main jig, as means to gain entry.

All this to say, let’s hope Tiger, following the taste of sweet victory, hasn’t fallen off the goddamn rails. He’s come too far in his journey back to relevancy to card an eight away from the course!

(More details to follow, as they become available…)

***Be advised that there is absolutely no truth to what you just read. It was a work of what some may classify as “sadistic satire” and only some will find it even remotely humourous. I love the man yet still found the above scenario worthy of a laugh. I offer zero apologies if you thought it to be in poor taste, insensitive towards women, an attack on Tiger himself — most certainly not by intention — or merely a waste of 45 precious seconds.


He’s back, ladies and gentlemen…*Raises Hand*…And I’m here for every second of it!

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