–!THE LAST ONE!– Après la rose: *It’s been a while…*

It’s down to the final two nutsacks everybody —

Before getting to the Reunion Extravaganza that just went down (might I add, two hours very well spent), let’s have a moment of silence for Jason — the latest to fall victim to Becca’s ruthlessness. Just think of the late-night tearful tug he was forced into after just missing out on the Fantasy Suite. He could sniff it!


Knew it was coming, admittedly — this remains Garrett’s bride to lose. Fuck this show if Blake wins.

A final note regarding the dramatic scene from the show’s last true episode – Becca believing her treatment of Jason mimicked those of Arie Ldiewkdsjaso from a season ago is complete and total horseshit. BECCA WON! She got the ring, the show’s gold medal. She was meant to marry into the Lewojsdnasok Family, and become Mrs. Luyendyk. Proper spelling, one time only

Last season, Arie tampered — he reversed the decision after putting the title around Becca’s waist. What Becca did to Jason was within the rules of the game! She had a moment in a Thai Temple…been there*

*Whatever you choose to do in Thailand, drink Chang beer before, during, and after. How they went there and never once showed one or more people drinking some ice cold Changs is asinine…

Also –

– Tuk-Tuks are hands-down the best method of transportation…ever.

– Noodles every day would be totally cool with me

– Blake would not survive a Full Moon Party.

…and I think people that get eliminated in the show should be picked up by overly talkative Uber drivers who happen to be totally in the dark as to what they just drove into.

(Last week’s)

1. Garrett –

Last week: 1

The river journey was insane, and let me say had it been Blake, the splashing would have offended him. He probably gets water in his eye and requires medical attention. Meanwhile, Garrett goddamn relished in it!

Not the smooth talker Blake is, Garrett comes off as a goof — his speech and delivery can be awkward and choppy at times. Blake meanwhile, for sure rehearses what he plans on saying in front of a mirror.

Garret is my guy, my horse, and my ride-or-die since opening night, Becca better not fuck this up.


2. Blake –

Last Week: 2

Who cares…

Look, Blake loves Becca. He loves her too much. Will he even let her talk to other dudes if they wind up getting married? Like ever? — At a work function? His own male friends? If this show has taught me anything, it’s the fact that this clown simply cannot cope when he’s not by Becca’s side. That’s love, sure. It’s also the quality of an obsessed stalker.

(Blake is the super jealous type is all I’m saying!)

It’s Ryan Leaf or Peyton Manning — take your pick, Becca.

 – The Men Tell All Power Rankings

1. Jordan

It wasn’t even close. Zoolander crushed it.

2. Jason

Despite the disappointment, Jason seems hellbent on not giving up. Hoping to remain friends is an admirable goal, but make no mistake about the real intentions behind those words…Buffalo Bill wants to hang around in the event that Becca’s quest for love, yet again, ends in disappointment.

3. “Grocery Store Joe”

Sent home the first night yet still managed to create a cult following. Who will wind up securing Joe’s meatstick in Paradise? Also, does anybody else laugh when they imagine how a convo between him and Arie’s Lauren would go? How many words spoken? Seven or eight MAX?

4. Wills

Glad to see he didn’t kill himself after that elimination. Big fan.

5. Chris R.

Clearly not afraid to admit just how badly he gaffed this season. The choir was a bit much but whatever. Kudos for trying, Snake.

6. David

*Continues falling for Jordan*

7. Leo

Man of few words, but did have a couple solid zingers. Excited to see the stunts he pulls in Paradise!

8. Jean Blanc

Sick burn on Colton but lost me with the perfume giveaway late in the show. Too awkward.

9. Connor

Still hoping for a one-on-one.

10. Colton

Are virgin tears a suitable lube? Virginity does not make you less of a man, but being a pu**y does. Just not a fan. #SnS

***Special shoutout to John for his Silicon Valley number-crunching exercise regarding Jordan’s Tinder activity

(As for the rest of the guys, they barely spoke. Why even invite them?)

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