Après la rose: (Ep. 8) *Colton avoids having to face a truly hilarious Fantasy Suite conundrum*

Call me a hardo but somebody find Colton and confiscate his man card –

Had buddy gotten a rose followed by an invitation to snap his 26-year drought, he was actually prepared to draw the line at cuddling? (What a television moment!)

Even if he is a virgin — what are waiting for? You’re on National TV…what a stage to lose your V-Card on!!!!

I hope Chris Harrison went to producers, like:

“This guy is clearly unwilling to give the Fantasy Suites the respect they deserve. He’s gotta go……..don’t worry, I’ll grab Becca when she arrives. Plus, I snooped on her and Tia’s convo with a directional microphone………I scaled an adjacent building……….don’t worry about it………..I too have a very particular set of skills………..anyways, Tia still likes Colton so I’m gonna set that up when I have a spare minute. Is Becca coming soon? I’ve been here for seventeen minutes. We’re approaching penalty here, gang!

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Or perhaps, as a fan and supporter of abstaining from the finer things in life, you had this reaction to Colton’s courageous admission and subsequent stance regarding the Fantasy Suite Code of Conduct:

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Me…I was skeptical from the moment he claimed to have the driest pecker in the mansion. I’m relieved he’s gone but still super pissed that Becca didn’t can him a week earlier. Wills didn’t deserve what he got (though I bet he’s since hopped back on the horse).

Also –

– All the hometowns went very well. Giving the nod to Garrett of course. (We could be witnessing a Minivan Miracle!)

–  Can we collectively agree that it’s time to replace STRONG? It’s run its course as the *post-tragedy* pick-me-up slogan, no? Next time something fucked up happens, maybe go with:

#[_______]WOKE

(That might be a misrepresentation of the term. Let’s think about it is all I’m saying. Or just stop all the tragedies so we don’t need anything.)

– Why do Jason and Blake get concerts and chicken wing contests full of screaming —potentially persuasive — fans during their respective hometowns? Meanwhile, Garrett gets a field, a tractor, and a picnic blanket for his most important wheeling session………? I’m assuming they get to pick the details behind the experience? Otherwise, this is tampering to the nth degree!

…and I have a parting piece of advice for Colton Underwood — give Tia a shout.

Three remain — but this is no Olympics. Silver and bronze don’t get you shit here, folks!

(Last week’s rankings)


1. Garrett

Last week: 2

Just give Garrett the trophy…give him the ring, the ribbon, the biggest fucking rose on the planet I don’t care. This man has won Becca’s heart. It’s done…..even if she sends him home next week (I’ll weep yet again), but I’m keeping him #1 on this list.

I regret ever taking him out of the top spot. The moment he rolled up in that whip, it was over…

As for his family, Mrs. Yrigoyen (respect where it’s due) told a story about the night Garrett was moving out of his house, following his failed marriage. That night, as he was leaving his own home, Garrett turned to his mother (who described him as being ‘very emotional’ at the time):

Am I making the right decision?

That hit me.

You can picture Garrett at that exact moment. No wonder his mom is like “Look bitch, is my son the one or not?” — that said I believe Garrett when he says he’s prepared, in the event that Becca opts to go in another direction. I wish I could say the same. Becca will regret breaking his heart if she indeed has plans to do so.

Meanwhile, Belichick obviously kiboshed Gronk’s appearance on Hometowns and truthfully, I should have seen this coming…They are, in fact, not brothers! I checked — I still envision, if given the opportunity, them doing shit like this…


2. Blake –

Last week: 1

The thought of having to endure a school shooting is undeniably gut-wrenching and just the thought will make your spine tingle — Blake, inside a library (so people do still go to those places!), informed Becca that he was involved in a school shooting during his younger years:

He only wounded 3 kids…zero kills.

Kidding.

He was in a classroom when he heard his mother (who was the principal) make an emergency announcement — one student was killed and Blake cites that experience as a turning point in his life.

Is it just me or is the goal of every date on this show to find (and focus) on the shittiest, most depressing past experiences? Sure Becca, let’s talk about why I thought it was a good idea to do shrooms on my first honeymoon…See, I thought we could save money that way. Go someplace affordable but then, through the power of “magic”, we could heighten the overall experience. You ever sexy sex on mushrooms?

“Honey, I know this cabin and campsite could use a few more amenities, but try riding through them on a unicorn…and did you see the family of teddy bears playing with the friendly green ghouls in our living room? They’re eating all our food but it’s so fun just to watch them…also, a shark ate the kayak. Didn’t get me though. It was big, but oddly friendly and most certainly hungry. I love you, babe. I love everything, but especially you. Marriage is such a funny concept, don’t you think?”

– Me, sitting in a kayak, in the living room of a some ol’ shitty cabin

*not based on true events 

(Turns out we should’ve just gone down south)

Blake’s family dynamic added intrigue to the date but all wound up going well in the end, however, the conversation with his dad perhaps foreshadows an epic heartbreak to come…

How will Blake react if he’s gifted an early plane ticket home?

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3. Jason –

Last week: 4

If Becca winds up choosing Jason over Garrett and follows that up with a move to Buffalo at some point, that puts her in reasonable Fuck With territory, me being based in Toronto.

I’ll find out where you live, B, and at worst………instruct my dog to take a poop on your lawn but leave you to pick it up. (What did you think I was gonna say?)

Jason’s game, of the three guys left, translates best to the show’s spin-off paradise…he can go sell his banking expertise to a bunch of individuals that probably could use the advice, finding true love on the island in the process (or wherever they go).

Garrett, if he winds up on B in P, might go exploring and never be seen again — I could see him living with a family of lions or tigers.

Blake would just lay on a hammock and write haikus about how much he misses Becca.

– – – That’s Too Bad – – –

(+ my hot takes were mostly icy cold)

By now you know Colton was the one sent home. Let’s hope he has already drunk dialed Tia and is now “on the board”.

Finally, re-visiting hot takes from last week:

“Tia is going to spill all the beans regarding her and Colton’s time together…they most definitely banged”

Spill the beans? Yes — P in the V? Unconfirmed — T still has feelings for Colton though.giphy (1).gif

“Things are going to get particularly gritty in Buffalo…(obviously)”

Having your most important one-on-one date end up in a hockey rink is, by most accounts, ‘gritty’. Not saying it was a bad call either. The skates they were both wearing were especially hideous — dare I say gritty? I’m giving myself this one. Could cite the saucy wing eating contest as well…

“Blake’s family is going to be SUPER weird”

Nah, not in the slightest. I’ll take this one on the chin.

“And somebody from Garrett’s family will, almost undoubtedly, say something that is deemed questionable by the masses”

Another swing-and-miss. See what you get when you ask for real drama to be shown on television…

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