“Detained immigrant children could revolutionize school safety,” says Republican Senate Staffer

The premiere of ‘Who is America?’ aired July 15th and while Sacha Baron Cohen once again steals the show, his Kinder Guardians idea has galvanized the Republican Party, causing them to aggressively pursue a child army.

I mean…if they all turn out to be Arya Stark…? I suppose it could work.

In a shocking turn of events, House Republicans have begun the process of implementing a program that aims to train detained immigrant children in the proper and safe-handling of guns. All the guns — furthermore, the program will provide these new orphans with an unrivaled education, courtesy of an undeniably well-compensated educator.


Fact is, there are many who think it’s a great idea…and we all know it’s never ok to make fun of somebody because of the way they look or sound…so BE NICE.

Now, of course, there’s always going to be those who claim that children in North America are entirely unfit to shoulder such a burden, but the GOP has something totally different in mind — immigrant children, especially ones from “shithole countries” tend to be raised in, shall we say, sub-optimal environments? They are forced to grow up quicker than their North American counterparts as a result — I once watched a Cambodian boy (at most, he was 6 years old) aggressively wield two machetes in the street and nobody around him gave a shit. I’m telling you, this kid made Peter Pan look like a goddamn amateur. His parents were clapping. If danger ever found this family, this kid was slicing it in half. He was deflecting any and all bullets shot his way. I didn’t care to follow him but I bet he was responsible for killing whatever his family ate for dinner that night. It’s still is one of the more impressively terrifying things I’ve witnessed in my otherwise uneventful existence.

Meanwhile, kids in North America can’t be trusted with butter knives.

In addition to having an expedited upbringing, these tiny adults from parts unknown need an education. Whether their parents ever see them again is a moot point — remember, they’re adults — What matters is these leaders of tomorrow go to school!

What better way to welcome and show love to immigrant families than by promising their youngest representatives an education and gainful employment, all at once…? Plus, once they inevitably kill a live shooter in a hallway, gaining national recognition in the process, their parents will have little to no trouble reconnecting.

Being a child soldier is perhaps the greatest hono[u]r a kid could ask for. So, therefore, effective immediately:

As a condition of citizenship, any immigrant family entering the United States of America, with children between the ages of 3 and 16, will be mandated to enroll them in the newly established and federally funded Public Safety Program, Kool Kids Karry (abbreviated KKK for brand recognition purposes)

As Republicans scramble to frame the controversial views and ideas portrayed in “Who is America?”, plans are already being made to convert all Detainment Centres to Child Training Outposts. The GOP doesn’t care if they lose a few imbeciles along the way.

President Trump, fresh off meeting his handler, Mr. Putin, has already expressed his adoration of the new measures –

“I never said kids shouldn’t be armed in fact I said the exact opposite I said they should have weapons I mean frankly it’s hard to come up with a better more appropriate alternative and believe me we have thought about it long and hard I mean really long and hard and really there isn’t another direction to go and nobody is dealing with the same issues we are presently facing inside our borders The Wall will help…I’m telling you it’s getting built and it’s gonna be so great we are doing things nobody believed were possible our schools are the safest they’ve ever been and it’s because of everything we are doing it’s all going to happen just you wait…”

The program is exclusively for the purposes of ‘encouraging and incentivizing immigration’ — for the moment, it will not accept applications from American-born children. Texas may have something to say about that in the not-so-distant future

America already feels much safer, doesn’t it?

You may want to tell Mom to ease up on the epic lunches. That kinda luxury could soon get a kid shot.



“If you’re karrying, any place is a safe place!”


Happy shooting, kids.

(Notice the comma)




**If Phillip Van Cleave appeared familiar, you may have recognized him from this…*

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