Après la rose: (Ep. 7) *YES, I fucking wept!*

Re: the admission of facial waterworks, please know:

– I knew Wills was bound for that.

– Despite having an eye to the future, my heart and head were not prepared to watch it. Also, it was more an exercise in the suppression of tears.

Still, a few snuck out…

…and fucking Trump’s Supreme Court nomination interrupted the group date! That orange-tinged pomofo (short for pornstar-mother fucker) finds a way to ruin everything.

BUT WHAT THE EFFING EFF, BECCA?!?! Jason over Wills? That’s some Greg Oden > Kevin Durant shit. Kufrin definitely Finkle’d that rose decision. If only Wills had gotten an opportunity to court Becca alongside his closest friends…would things have been different?

Also –

– Colton is a virgin (is he though?)…the guy dated an Olympic gymnast! You mean to tell me he missed out on that flexibility? Nah.

– Leo kept it real and was promptly left behind. Supposedly now stranded on an island.

– Garrett’s first wife was cuckoo.

…and Blake, returning to his one-on-one comfort zone, crushes it.

Four bros remain. Hometowns on deck.

(Last week)

1. Blake –

Last week: 5

Thrives in isolation scenarios. Struggles in group settings.

The book on Bailey, Colorado’s most accomplished swing dancer reads a lot like a Carmelo Anthony scouting report.

Now we get to see the ‘sleepy mountain town’ that birthed him. Their words, not mine.


2. Garrett –

Last week: 2

As the game has progressed, you can see Garrett becoming more and more serious. I still cringe every time he’s forced into a deep conversation — Becca got him to open up about his ex-wife. Sounds like she was a real treat.

*Check out their wedding video* — Cool.

G’s relationship with Becca is extremely strong. But Blake is further ahead at this point… Garrett might even be trailing Colton as well. Keyword…might.

(These rankings will never admit that).

Fishing for a mini-miracle here.


If I have to sit through a Garrett heartbreak…


3. Colton –

Last week: 3

So much is going to be made about his big announcement, not to mention Becca’s initial reaction.

Rather than engaging in a deep psychoanalysis, I’m calling BS on the entire thing.

Because of sports, Colton never had time to get his D wet? Sounds like somebody who was just bad at sports. Athletic talent allows you to skip the whole effort part — in many parts of the world at least. Playing football from a young age, making an NFL Practice Squad…start-to-finish, this man managed to keep his dong dry the entire way.

Sending Colton home after this admission would’ve resulted in a social media shitstorm. Therefore it didn’t happen — a calculated move by the game’s purest participant…

Now here’s some sexual advice from Mooj. Pay attention, Colt.

4. Jason –

Last week: 1


From first to worst…

Calling it the hardest decision she’s had to make thus far this season, Becca wound up pinning the rose on Jason’s breast. In reality, it should’ve been an easy decision.

Jason has been given so many opportunities and Becca is still having to tell him to what the fuck he needs to do, giving him hints at every available opportunity. Wills received no such treatment. *Pulls out race card*


– – – That’s Too Bad (+ some Hometown Hot-Takes) – – –

Leo made Becca’s group-date decision somewhat easy when he told her he wasn’t necessarily interested in an immediate proposal. I expected more courage from a stuntman.

As for Wills, let’s all hope ABC has the courage to make him the next Bachelor…what a banger of a season that would be!

Finally, some hot takes to mull over as we await Hometowns:

– Tia is going to spill all the beans regarding her and Colton’s time together…they most definitely banged.

– Things are going to get particularly gritty in Buffalo…(obviously).

– Blake’s family is going to be SUPER weird.

– And somebody from Garrett’s family will, almost undoubtedly, say something that is deemed questionable by the masses.

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Ciao til next week.

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