Joey Chestnut continues to be robbed and forgotten in sport’s G.O.A.T. debate

What did you do for Fourth of July? — most answers involve some form of drinking and/or debauchery that triggers a sequence of questionable decisions that puts one’s participation at work the next day in serious doubt…

For Joey Chestnut, the answer has been the same goddamn thing since 2006 — MOWING DOWN HOT DOGS!

The competitive-eating legend won his eleventh Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest earlier today on Coney Island. Had he not been narrowly defeated in 2015 (losing by two weiners), today’s victory would’ve marked Chestnut’s 12th consecutive win at the Independence Day classic.

ELEVEN TITLES!!! He eats anything and everything and does so at a superhero level. I’m fairly certain he could eat the world out of an ice age. Might be pushing it, but still…

LeBron who? Tom Brady? Yeah, nice track records, boys! — With 11 Nathan’s titles, Chestnut is now neck and neck with Bill Russell.

Is eating a sport? Well, let’s consider the definition:

An activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against another or others for entertainment

– Oxford’s definition of ‘Sport’

Eating a golf round’s supply of Nathan’s hot dogs and/or burying countless boxes of Smoke’s poutine qualifies as “activity involving physical exertion and skill”, no?

Watch this video and tell me these men aren’t physically exerting themselves…

That shit, one-hundred percent, qualifies as ‘sport’. And as such, Joey Chestnut needs to start being talked about in the same light as other G.O.A.T.s!

In 10 minutes, has LeBron ever scored 74 points? Maybe in grade school when his opponents were actually pissing and shitting themselves. But in the pros, he’s never come close.

Meanwhile, Joey, year after year, breaks his own records and puts up numbers literally nobody else has come close to reaching. Vegas had him at 71.5 heading into today’s competition. You’re an idiot if you didn’t take the over…

You don’t think he’s woken up with a sore tummy the morning of a competition? — I beg to differ. Wah Wah Michael Jordan.

And look, Joey doesn’t just wake up and shove juicy jumbos down his gullet to train — ascending to the top of the competitive-eating mountain requires careful management of one’s body, mind, and diet…

I will never dunk, certainly not if I continue to ignore the importance of a healthy and well-balanced diet. I’ll applaud LeBron’s accomplishments, but fuck off with adopting his rigorous lifestyle.

But I can relate to a guy who lives for hot dogs and all the other shit food we love to stuff down our face holes, especially on days like today. If you ever see kale salad at a Fourth of July celly, throw that shit in somebody’s face. Preferably somebody eating it.

Perhaps my feelings would be different if Chestnut was fat and totally out of shape, capable of little besides sitting and eating. But that ain’t the case! LOOK AT HIM! He is a finely tuned, well oiled eating machine!

(and honestly, my opinion of him wouldn’t change if he was packing more beef)

LeBron was put on the planet to play basketball.

God (or an ape thousands upon thousands upon thousands of years ago) began the process that led to Tom Brady becoming a thing. Brady, of course, was put on Earth to sling pigskin and bang Brazillian supermodels.

Is it that hard to accept the fact that Joey C-Nut was given similarly simple marching orders to life…? EAT ALL THE HOT DOGS, EAT ALL THE POUTINE. AND EAT THEM ALL FASTER AND BETTER THAN ANY OTHER HUMAN ON THIS BOUND FOR DESTRUCTION PLANET.

There really is nobody like him. And because of that, it’s time he gets a seat at the G.O.A.T. table…now give him some meat sticks and enjoy the fucking show!

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