Après la rose (Ep. 5) *Somebody oughta get Wills a goddamn corner office*

Another banger of an eppy that saw three more souls leave without love. Along the way a two-on-one date that yielded no winner. Since when can Becca just eliminate everyone we put in front of her at a given moment? Doesn’t she have to pick someone, always?!

Just when you think you’re starting to understand something!

Meanwhile, Chris has no idea What-T-F is going on (and his botching of ‘Courting 101’ reminded me of a flawed surfing lesson)

*The Less You Do, the More You Do…*

Also –

– A chicken fries in the Nevada desert

– Wills is the ‘King of Everything’

– The luggage lady has a sense of humour

…and Wayne Newton shows up, because, you know, Vegas –

The field has been reduced to nine

(Click here for last week’s power rankings)


1. Blake –

Last week: 1

Really no reason to knock Blake off the top of the mountain. After all, he just arrived…

A solid showing on the group date netted him a rose, which provided the dose of assurance he craves so much. Doesn’t exactly possess nerves of steel…

(We all know how tense the dude gets when others cozy up to his bachelorette)

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2. Garrett –

Last week: 2

I could see this entire thing coming down to Garrett and Blake…both, at this point, are head-and-shoulders above the rest in terms of where they stand with Becca. I give Blake the slight edge as he’s been able to connect with her on a slightly deeper level than Garrett has…

…but fuck off with deep conversations.

Garrett is the unofficial leader in laughs generated *translationhe makes Becca crack up more than anyone else.

(Also, Farley lurks…)

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3. Wills –

Last week: 3

His handling of Chris’ interruption on the group date moves him into elite status. Unfortunately won’t move up the rankings because of strong performances by B & G.

 

If Becca didn’t come away from that with newfound respect — not to mention affection –for Wills, she’s out to fuckin’ lunch. It’s truly hard to find a weakness in his game.

(It certainly ain’t his wardrobe)


4. Colton –

Last week: 4

‘Bout time I accept the now undeniable fact that Becca digs Colton…I still doubt the man’s commitment and reasons for being there.

Meanwhile, Kufrin clearly has no such feelings — her early suspicions seemingly a thing of the past. The wrong move in my humble and totally unqualified opinion.

Feels like he’s destined for heartbreak — (a future rose provider, perhaps?!?!)


5. Jason –

Last week: 5

Remains a strong competitor but at the end of the day, Jason lacks the extra gear needed to win over Becca’s heart. He’ll continue to crush couch convos so long as he’s granted opportunities to do so, but he’s not overtaking the top-3 anytime soon…

Hopefully gone before hometowns — if I have to watch an episode about the allure of Buffalo


6. Leo –

Last week: 9

Is there a more under the radar threat than Leo? If it weren’t for his undeniably luscious hair, I’m not sure people would know he’s even on the show…is an aspiring horse whisperer (of sorts).

Burned in the past by non-committal Arie Lewuorufhsojsijdisj, Becca has to value Leo’s dedication and commitment — dude’s been growing his hair for 10 years!


7. Connor –

Last week: 11

Can he and Lincoln just fight already? Winner stays*

*only to be eliminated at the next available opportunity


8. Lincoln –

Last week: 12

SHOCKED that Lincoln received a rose at the final ceremony…I thought for sure he was donezo.

Apart from pooping on floors, and believing our planet is flat, Lincoln also has a history of groping and assaulting women on cruise ships. Do you know just how big an asshole you gotta be to negate that amount of upper body prowess? It’s almost impressive.

Somehow this man has constructed a resumé of transgressions whereby purposely shitting on floors is the least offensive line item.


9. Chris –

Last week: 7

Absolutely no goddamn idea what Becca was thinking giving this model of mental stability the final rose. Should have been handed his walking papers after totally botching the handling of post-one-on-one life and then tripping over his feet, time and time again, trying to correct matters.

Anybody else think he’d have been better off writing a letter to Becca…? But it worked so well last time he put his feelings on paper to a loved one…

Before abandoning him as a child perhaps Chris’ father confided in him some not-so-useful tips concerning ‘courtship’.

(I’m such a mean person, I know)


10. Wayne Newton –

Too old for Becca and barely human at this point…

– – – – – That’s Too Bad – – – – –

 

The herd continues to be trimmed down with David, Jordan, and John being the latest to have their luggage eerily snatched and sent away for eternity…

Firstly, David was his own worst enemy — the obsession to derail Jordan led him to completely disregard the need to evolve and grow his relationship with the person he was supposed to be on the show for…Becca. Ultimately, she had enough and left the chicken to fry in the desert heat. Zing.

Shortly after, in a familiar dinner setting, Becca cut Jordan loose. While losing the charismatic male model undoubtedly hurts the overall appeal of remaining episodes, fans won’t have to wait long for his return…both he and David are confirmed for Bachelor in Paradise. I may have to finally give this trainwreck spin-off a shot…

Finally, John, who I thought showed signs of life a week ago, was not given a rose.

With only him and Chris remaining in the final ceremony, Becca opted to give Chris the final rose — days removed from Chris totally ignoring her and then melting down when she didn’t pin a rose to his heartless chest. Tool.

For all my early bashing of John, he deserved a better fate here…even if his chances of winning were slim to none.

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