Après la rose (Ep. 4) *L-O-V-E kills*

The Colognoisseur smelt funny…

Jean Blanc was sent packing in the midst of a supersized group date and while the staunchest of critics will point to his premature dropping of the L-bomb as the reason for dismissal, in reality, it’s merely a case of karma delivering a stiff and powerful dick kick to a guilty thief –

(Look, he stole the head massager. Even Becca, upon seeing it, suspected as much…Did you steal that? Her words not mine)

Ultimately, due to his shady antics and intentions, JB suffered a Dom-esque demise.

I miss Vinny and the gang…

Also –

– Zesty Nick wore a tracksuit to a rose ceremony (and has since been canned)

– Becca, thanks to Jean Blanc, unnecessarily chastises the group (and then, later on, inexplicably euthanizes a tiger).

…meanwhile, Jordan, in the spirit of compelling television, is granted the final rose in what was a tense episode-ending rose ceremony.

That, and more in this week’s oooberly late edition of the power rankings.

(Click here for last week’s rankings)


1. Blake –

Last week: 2

Happy to see the guy has simmered down after an unnecessary panic attack last week. Now seemingly at peace with the surprising reality of having to share Becca, Blake appears to be, at least for the moment, her most beloved supporting actor.

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2. Garrett –

Last week: 1

HE’S STILL VERY MUCH IN THE RACE! *screaming at myself*

After the first chapter of the bobsled date, I was ready to anoint them Mr. and Mrs. Dumb and Dumber. *With Garrett of course playing the part of ‘Dumber* — But he’s definitely showing signs of weakness, especially when the conversation dives deep.

The couch convo clearly had Becca rattled. I thought for a second he was going home. I wouldn’t have taken that well.

Still a major player — possessor of GRONK GENES while also reminding Becca of life back home as well as her late father. Those are big points you can’t take away from the loveable doofus.

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3. Wills –

Last week: 7

Scored a one-on-one date at a very inopportune time: the day after Jean Blanc’s debacle that saw Becca give the boys a verbal dress-down; questioning the intentions of every guy on the planet in the process.

Facing a potential grave situation, Wills, in no uncertain terms, fucking crushed it!

There’s no chance he turns out to be a dirtbag. Perhaps Becca views him as a work-in-progress slash project, but he’s wise and mature beyond his years.

Just entered legitimate threat territory…


4. Colton –

Last week: 6

I truly don’t know how Colton has found his way into the top-5. With a handful of guys going home this past episode, part of the reason for the climb is the perpetually shrinking field that has somehow yet to claim him as a victim.

The Colt himself certainly hasn’t done anything to warrant the rise.

If it weren’t for his past with Tia, his objectively good looks and an *impressive* NFL resumé, I’m inclined to believe he’d be gone.


5. Jason –

Last week: 9

In two weeks, Jason has climbed out of the doghouse, and into the top-5. He’s been surgical in his approach…

With the likes of Jean Blanc, Jordan, and even David struggling to impress during their respective couch sessions, Jason keeps acing his alone time — face it, David is getting sympathy points, which is ridiculous when you consider he fell out of a fucking bed (you wanna be married to that?)

Could the Buffalo banker actually pull this off!? — (He’s got Becca dripping…)


6. David –

Last week: 14

David’s face looks fine, which leads me to believe the show greatly exaggerated the damage done in the fall. Having done absolutely zero research into what actually happened, I’m calling bullshit on the entire thing.

Nonetheless, Davey’boy vaults up the rankings and the war between him and Jordan can now resume…


7. Chris –

Last week: 4

After his rocky but ultimately rosy one-on-one from a week ago, the purple cobra sort of reverted back to being a secondary character. However, next week’s preview appeared to show Chris being interrogated by a small group over something sleazy

…snake.


8. Jordan –

Last week: 8

Wound up getting the final rose of the episode (thanks to the producers).

Had Becca called Christon’s name, all I kept picturing was Jordan replicating a truly iconic moment in cinema…


9. Leo –

Last week: 10

Moves up one spot solely cause Becca gave him the first rose of the second ceremony. Perhaps a sign Leo’s closing in on a one-on-one…? That could end with him blowing Becca away, or being handed his walking papers…


10. John –

Last week: 16

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HE’S FINALLY ARRIVED!

John is suddenly in the mix — episode MVP and appears to have caught Becca’s eye after a solid (and pleasantly personable) performance in the group date challenge.

Stay tuned. ****ing crazy turn of events.


11. Connor –

Last week: 13

What is this guy still doing on the show? No chance of winning and he’s not even good on the mic (can’t walk or talk) — dude brings nothing to the table. Becs needs to ship him back to St. Petersburg already.


12. Lincoln –

Last week: 12

I happily brushed off the pooping problem but the moment Lincoln admitted to being a flat-earther…

OFFICIALLY jumping off the Linc train…now inevitably bound for derailment.

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– – – – – That’s Too Bad – – – – –

Because of Clay’s departure a week ago, this past episode LED OFF with a rose ceremony!

Mike and Ryan were eliminated while Nick, sporting one of his trademark tracksuits, somehow received a rose.

Following the first ceremony, Jean Blanc was the next to go.

The second rose ceremony — which took place sans the typical cocktail party saw tracksuit Nick finally sent packing, along with Christon (?!?!).

(Party or not, if you’re not permabuzzed while on this show, what the f**k is the point?)

The final rose ultimately went to Jordan, which was clearly a decision forced upon Becca by the producers. The moment Becca is permitted to crush his soul will be nothing short of epic.

But still…a tiger was shot to save a male model and that is complete and total horseshit.

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(NEXT EPISODE – Monday, June 25 @8pm EST)

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