Gravity thrusts David straight to the ER. Clay meanwhile, after putting on a truck show for the ages, is forced to suspend his quest for love – *and the internet collectively weeps*
Holy shittos!!! We are only three episodes in and already there’s blood in the water –
– Jordan’s spirit animal is, of course, a golden retriever…sorta
– It appears I may have underestimated Colton…(still not convinced he isn’t having wet dreams over Tia on the daily).
…and Clay bags himself a rose but pays a hefty price to do so –
Moves are being made, people!
(Click here for last week’s Power Rankings)
1. Garrett –
Last week: 1
Delivered a “HERE TO WIN” tackle to Mike on the football date. Make no mistake, Garrett is playing for fucking keeps!
Kind of hung out in the shadows for this episode but did manage to snag Becca for some alone time. He kinda put it to good use, teaching her an obscenely-outdated tackling technique as part of a ploy to bank another kiss (which he did).
(btw, is there a show that devalues romantic lip punches more than this weekly two-hour spectacle? I saw kissing to be a substantial step in a relationship and yet, Becs and all those before her, seemingly hand them out like Costco samples…)
While kisses are unequivocally this show’s most overvalued currency, Garrett’s been racking them up early and often. Goofy Gronk is still my horse.
(live look-in at Garrett’s supporters following his bone-crunching hit on Mike)
2. Blake –
Last week: 3
I tabbed Blake as intelligent and while I still subscribe to that belief he was undoubtedly rattled, almost surprised, at the reality of a situation he should’ve known to be a thing for quite some time.
I don’t want to share Becca — what show did you think you were coming on, bro? Perhaps being the first to score a one-on-one date has a downside? Or maybe he’s starting to feel the heat from the others?
YOU SEE GARRETT FROWNING OR BITING HIS NAILS?! Stop being a bitch, Blake.
When you’re getting unsolicited nap invites, stay the fucking course! Weeks from now, he could find himself in pound town, in one of the fantasy-fuck suites (or whatever they’re called).
3. Jean-Blanc –
Last week: 4
Another strong but under-the-radar showing from JB. Performed admirably at the spa but wound up stealing a head massager (hoping to impress Becca) — he claims he bought it. It looked very similar to the one he was wielding earlier is all I’m saying!
(Granted the product in question allows for very little differentiation, in terms of looks, so maybe he did buy another one)
Shady antics aside, Jean Blanc remains in the top-3 due to his calm and very calculated demeanour — after suggesting the guys all act civilized on the group date, he promptly stole Becca at the very first opportunity.
4. Chris –
Last week: 9
CRUSHED IT after a rocky start to his one-on-one date.
BUT WHO WRITES A LETTER?! Seems like such a tedious exercise considering the plethora of alternatives available — #thoseareZs. That shit has been unnecessary since email went mainstream in the late 90s I wanna say.
(When Chris was a child his father abandoned the family…on New Year’s Day to boot. That’s a steel-toed kick right to the dick!)
In an attempt to re-connect, Chris penned a letter to his father several years ago. But you have to think his dad got it and was like – “It’s 2018 and my dipshit son is still writing letters by hand!? Yeah, no.”
Nonetheless, the purple cobra salvaged what started out as a painfully awkward one-on-one date and now appears to be a big fucking deal.
(Remains a snake until further notice…)
5. Christon –
Last week: 2
Another solid celly (and display of elite verticality). Props to the officials for not throwing a flag for excessive celebrating.
Christon showed once again why he is a force. He continues to bide his time; waiting for Becca to give him a solo date. While others clutch, grab and claw for time with her…*Blake*, Christon is playing it cool; perfectly content to wait his turn. Hope Becca notices his patience and ‘calmness in the pocket’.
The tiger lurks — do not consider dormancy as a weakness. The minor drop in the rankings is largely due to strong performances by others, especially slithery Chris.
6. Colton –
Last week: 12
Managed to convince Becca he is there for her. I’m still not sold, and I can’t imagine her taking a chance on him given what happened with Arie Lewekcjnsoksakdsijs.
Plus, if she fancies herself a football player, then nuzzle up to Clay — the guy with a modest NFL career going for him at least. Colton ain’t no legit football player, nor is he the right guy for Becca but she appears to have convinced herself otherwise. For now.
7. Wills –
Last week: 6
Steady Eddie…this man will not beat himself and is perfectly content to play the game at his own pace, making certain to take advantage of every opportunity thrown his way.
The San Antonio Spurs personified.
8. Jordan –
Last week: 11
Confidence is a dangerous drug. And J-Twizzle has it in spades…
This guy, if nothing else, is entertaining. Spewing out gem one-liners such as – “Attached to me, is professionality” and “I’m a golden retriever” [his attempt at describing his role in a relationship]. COME AND SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK!
The JR Smith of Bachelorette contestants — lacks real game but has never met a shot he didn’t like.
Keep giving this clown roses. If he somehow pulls this off, the celly might reach Ovechkin levels of awesome.
9. Jason –
Last week: 15
Miraculously came back from Becca forgetting his fucking name!
Ramped up his game this week (just as I prescribed in last week’s rankings). Perhaps feeling like he had to do something big following the spa embarrassment, Jason coaxed Becca into admitting she has a crush on him. Cute…does a crush still come with an over-the-pants handy, or have those been discontinued?
Look, it’s fine to bank on Jonah making a little run here. But don’t get too excited. It still feels like his journey is destined to end sans Becca.
—NOT WORTH A VISUAL AID—
10. Leo –
Last week: 8
Does everything good, but nothing great —
Leo continues struggling to make a noticeable impact. While his dodgeball performance is on par with LeBron carrying the Cavs to a Final, if you don’t win, well…that means you lost. You’re, therefore, a loser.
I’m inclined to believe Becca has already dismissed the possibility of Leo being her man. He needs to pull off some filthy stunts to get back into this one…and fast.
11. Mike –
Last week: 17
While he didn’t get a rose, Mike made a nice leap in episode three thanks in large part to his performance on the gridiron. I told you he reminded me of Clay f***ing Matthews! Seems like he’s found a bit of a groove and could vault into the top-10 with another strong showing next week.
12. Lincoln –
Last week: 7
Who knew the jacked black guy would be a total embarrassment with a football? Could’ve got some solid odds there.
An extremely disappointing showing this week from Lincoln — he would’ve been better off just dropping a deuce at midfield. He exhibited a complete lack of understanding for the game of football and was totally lost on the group date. At one point he got trucked by his own teammate. Things kept going from bad to worse.
Had it not been for Clay opting to leave the show, and eliminating the need for a rose ceremony, Lincoln may have been in serious trouble of dropping out of this race.
Needs to regroup.
13. Connor –
Last week: 13
Do something with your hair! (I seriously want to just leave it there).
Connor’s hair just irritates me — the same way Steph Curry’s penchant for chewing his mouthguard makes me livid. Hell yeah, I sweat the small stuff in life!
Took a page out of Christon’s book, and treated Becca to some driveway sports (this time, baseball). I’m always for involving sports in the wheeling process, although making Becca run around a set of fake bases, on an uneven surface, and while wearing heels, was a dick move. Next time maybe just toss a goddamn frisbee. We all know you’re stellar at that.
—NOT WORTH A VISUAL AID—
14. David –
Last week: 5
This fucking chicken of a man had a disastrous week!
First, he completely lost his focus, thanks to some aptly timed model mind games courtesy of Jordan. The result of the bickering saw David waste all his solo time with Becca talking about his nemesis — I mean, I get it. The guy oozes professionality. Unrivaled charisma. We are, all of us, fans of Florida’s hottest male model.
Following his mishandling of the group date, David fell out of bed suffering major facial injuries in the process. Designated to return with what we can only expect to be a face that looks entirely beat to fuck, it appears the rest of David’s journey will be an uphill climb.
15. Ryan –
Last week: 14
I can only imagine the ascension we would’ve seen from Ryan had he bagged the one-on-one date with Becca!
At Capitol Records, armed with his trusty banjo there’s no telling what sort of love jam he could’ve conjured up. Assuming his family of bluegrass beauties were able to join (instead of that bush league pianist), I imagine it would’ve sounded something like this…
Ryan has sort of been forgotten and, as such, needs a BIG performance in his next encounter with Becs to re-establish himself as any sort of threat.
16. John –
Last week: 16
This guy gets less screentime than Jared Kushner (and that daughter-fucker could be dead for all I know). I forgot John was even on the show until halfway through the episode.
Fact is, Santa’s little helper appears to be a good dude making a nice living in Silicon Valley. One day, he may very well make some woman as happy as he makes his inflatable unicorn…
…but that woman is not going to be Becca — someone give Floaty McFloatface a ring to tell them to get this ‘lightweight at love’ outta here.
17. Nick –
Last week: 18 (moves up on a technicality)
*HOT TAKE* — Nick gets the next one-on-one date at which point Becca accompanies him to the airport.
– – – – – That’s Too Bad – – – – –
This week saw Clay willingly drop out of the race after injuring his wrist on the group date.
Putting on a performance for the ages, he carried his team to a last-second victory but wound up breaking his wrist on the game’s final play — or so the show claims.
Wanting to afford himself enough time to rehab and be ready for another run at NFL action, the sweeter-than-sugar footballer called it quits, putting his quest for love on the back burner.
(He better make a team in 2018-19)
(NEXT EPISODE – Monday, June 18 @8pm EST)