Lincoln is a trolling beauty (who happens to also be entirely opposed to using toilets) *nobody’s perfect*
Shots were fired early and often in the first round of dates –
— Lincoln went full troll and sips wine like Cersei Lannister (or at least is filmed doing so…)
— Connor, from day one, has felt a tad twattish and his actions proved me right this week.
…and Jordan’s newly adopted catchphrase has ruined what was an iconic Kesha jam –
All that and more in the first installment of Après la rose: The Bachelorette Power Rankings.
1. Garrett –
If Rob Gronkowski had a nerd sibling, it’d be Garrett. Like Gronk, has been known to partake in Instagram shenanigans, but the man drove a minivan to a mansion and walked away with a first impression rose.
This race might already be over…
2. Christon –
Respect the dunk, Becca…the former Globetrotter is one suave dude — watch out when he gets a one-on-one date. Could make the argument that turning the show’s star into your mascot hurts one’s chances of winning in the long-run, but I am a believer in this man’s game and planned path to success.
Laying in the weeds. Has a Tiger-ish look and feel to him…the animal, not the golfer. Necessary distinction.
3. Blake –
“…On the same wavelength…” — Becca’s words, not mine. The Colorado native is high on her list and landed the first solo date as a result. Garbage date concept, unfortunately — even with Lil’ John spinning in the background.
Predicting a final three appearance for Blake. May even wind up bending the knee when all is said and done.
4. Jean Blanc –
Rocking a cut-off to the date reveal was a boss move. You get the sense confidence is not an issue for JB. Strong under-the-radar performance in the group date netted him an early rose.
Smells really good, all the time.
(Sick fucking name too)
5. David –
David rounds out the top-5, and despite his chicken charade should be a force as this season wears on. Nearly bested brick shithouse, Lincoln, in what was undoubtedly a physically-demanding challenge.
At some point, is going to slap (or slug) Jordan in the face. Cant. Fucking. Wait.
6. Wills –
Wills, 29, is easy to root for. Seems like a good dude, with good values, just looking for someone he can watch Harry Potter movies with — snagged a kiss (and a rose) after talking about his parents, and shedding a few tears in the process.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Veteran move by the not yet thirty-year-old graphic designer.
7. Lincoln –
Ohhhh boy! Keeping this short is gonna be tough — the pooping in the office bathroom is alarming, though I believe that to be a correctable issue. Plus, office jobs are inherently shitty, so easy on the judgment.
Broke Connor’s spirit with his rule-bending antics, complimented by his perpetual showcasing of a framed photograph — like Jordan, will hang around for some time, but the odds of winning remain slim, given his questionable character.
Finally, while it may ultimately serve as proof that he ain’t the one, the sight, and the sound of Lincoln running to Becca, after Connor frisbee’d his framed photo into the pool, made for compelling TV.
8. Leo –
Turned in a Herculean-like performance in the dodgeball game — admittedly thought it should have resulted in him getting a rose right then and there. Lebron-like!
It’s only a matter of time before Leo is a Dothraki in GoT. Looks the part — but does not beat women.
Next week could see Leo shoot up or down, depending on what transpires. Wildcard territory.
9. Chris –
Snitches get stitches, and that’s kinda what I think of Chris as — basically torpedoed another guy’s chances in the competition by airing out the garbage. If Chris had any real shot of winning, I’d be more bummed.
A greasier version of Ben Stiller — owns and operates a Globo Gym in some other universe — in some other life — but it’s one-hundred percent true.
The bear from the movie, Ted, only nice and cuddly rather than high and hilarious.
The former NFL player is seemingly incapable of hatred — used it all up on the football field, perhaps?
I think he might be too nice to win this competition.
11. Jordan –
“Tick-tock, let’s make it rock…”
This jabroni of a man fancies himself the ‘Hansel’ of male models. An ass-clown, top to bottom, he remains a necessary ingredient for this show to reach peak appeal. A particularly greasy interruption set off some early fireworks.
His ceiling remains the Top-3 — reminds me of Krystal from last season. He’ll hang around for awhile.
12. Colton –
If this were the 90s, and this show was a full work of fiction set at some high school, Colton would be the one who’d ultimately win. Has that look about him — high school jock sorta thing going on…
At 26 years old, he’s on the younger side. Also revealed he had previously dated Tia, who was on this past season of The Bachelor. For sure figured Tia was gonna score bachelorette duties. To be fair, besides Becca, she made the most sense.
The final rose was a lifeline for him, but the rope is mighty frayed given the uncertainty around his intentions.
13. Connor –
Owner of a “brittle-ass spirit”, as Dave Chappelle might say.
Had his spirit crushed by Lincoln (and a gimmicky photo) — to lose control this early in the game, over such an inconsequential move, is telling. This jamoke doesn’t have what it takes.
Too young, and while described in his bio as a “risk-taker”, Connor reportedly passed up an opportunity to play professional baseball, choosing instead to pursue his dream of becoming a health and wellness coach. Seems more like the decision of one who’s opposed to high amounts of risk, no?
14. Ryan –
Plays banjo in a family bluegrass band. I can’t get a fuckin’ read on the guy. Small chance he surprises us, but the more likely case involves him going home.
Don’t think he can hang with some of the heavyweights that oppose him…not unless these sorts of tactics become acceptable, in which case, Ryan may have a shot after all –
15. Jason –
A senior corporate banker — okay, but based in Buffalo?! Becca ain’t going to Buffalo.
Perhaps it would be Jason, and not Becca, relocating as a means to facilitate a marriage. Either way, we’ll never know because Jay ain’t bringing Becca home if he continues playing such a shy game.
Get involved ffs! Sell her on a savings account, or something…
16. John –
Pick your underdog story — Leicester City, Vegas Golden Knights, or more appropriately perhaps is the film, Rudy.
John might get in for a play — but to consider him a top-tier player is laughable. If I’m proven wrong, I’ll own up. Not super concerned about that happening though.
17. Mike –
Following the heart here — I have never and will never support the Green Bay Packers. Mike summons visions of Clay Matthews, so the sports fan in me needs him gone asap. Did not receive a week one date so I may get my wish sooner rather than later.
18. Nick –
There’s no such thing as “a fun-loving attorney with a zest for life” — also rocks signature tracksuits.
– – – – – That’s Too Bad – – – – –
The second rose ceremony saw Alex, Rickey, and Trent sent packing. They join the likes of Chase, Christian, Darius, Grant, Joe, and Kamil – all of whom were eliminated in this season’s first rose giveaway…
…and then we had Jake who was sent home before even getting to pour a drink.
Kamil, meanwhile, was fortunate to be sent home early. Social media participants aren’t alotted many vacation days, or so I hear…(turns out the dude does quite a bit…)
…Better Luck Next Year…
(NEXT EPISODE – Monday, June 11 @8pm EST)