*REPORT* Joe Thomas already embracing retirement life – working on erasing entire catalogue of pro football memories

This is a satirical piece. All quotes are fabrications, meant for nothing more than your reading pleasure and comedic enjoyment. Treat this like something you’d find on The Onion.


Joe Thomas recently announced his retirement from pro football. Yet to formally discuss his aprés football plans, sources close to the future Hall of Famer say his short-term plans include the procurement of a medicinal cannabis prescription, heavy drinking, and occasional opioid trips – all in an effort to erase 11 seasons of shit-stained Cleveland Browns’ football memories.

“Finally retired from weekly defeat, he’s never been happier”, claimed Cecil Wellington moments before passing out on a bar stool. Wellington is one of Thomas’ heavy-drinking buddies, having sort of taken Thomas under his wing since knowledge of his retirement spread through the community.


(It was later discovered that Cecil Wellington was Thomas’ now-former teammate, Josh Gordon, and the name ‘Cecil Wellington’ is nothing more than Gordon’s drunk alter-ego)

“Cecil’s here errrrrrbody!!!!!”

– Josh Gordon at 1 a.m. (pick a day)  


In 11 seasons, Thomas tasted victory a measly 48 times. His final two seasons saw the Browns win one game out of 32. Over the course of Thomas’ career, Cleveland started 21 different quarterbacks. Not a single one was worth protecting – shameful when you consider all the gifted quarterbacks who’ve either been injured or never given a chance to succeed because of spotty O-Line play.

“Every Sunday, I’d peek over my shoulder and look at who was behind me. Seemed like a different guy each week, each one more useless than the previous guy,” Thomas stated candidly, giving us an idea of what it was like playing through the Browns’ quarterback negligent phase. Their most recent draft fudge up saw them pass on Deshaun Watson.

Despite his organization neglecting the game’s most important position, Thomas was the game’s most dominant left tackle, and more importantly, a first-class person off it. And yet, he spent every moment of his career – 3,973 days – a frustrated and tortured soul thanks to his team’s collective ineptitude. Now in retirement, he has other initiatives he wishes to pursue.

Jim, the homely and wannabee Brazilian bartender had this to say about Thomas and Wellington’s relationship in the early stages of what is still a retirement in the infancy stage:

“Him [Thomas] and Josh – f*ck – I mean, Cecil are very close…”

At this point, we knew of Cecil’s true identity. Having told Jim this, he only winked, stating he’d never break the pact him and Cecil made the first night they met. Jim was unable to provide any other details besides the forming of ‘The Pact’. He claims him and Cecil drank the bar out of every type of clear alcohol.

He continued…  

“…the two talk every day about plans after football, you know. They actually have some rock solid ideas, about various business ventures and different opportunities available to them. Unfortunately, at the end of most nights, they’ve forgotten every single thing they’ve talked about. You’d never think it, given their size, but Cecil routinely drinks Joe under the table”.

Digging deeper into their plans, some patrons suggested the two had talked about starting a laser quest operation that encouraged all participants to smoke cannabis before participating. Don’t suspect Joe is very fleet of foot running through dark laser-lit hallways.

When Wellington isn’t helping his buddy exterminate brain cells and devise pot head pastimes, he’s one of the most gifted wide receivers in the NFL, doing so of course under his real name, Josh Gordon.

Gordon’s journey has been well documented. An undeniable talent on the field, he’s been a certified gongshow off it and like Thomas has spent his entire career playing for the NFL’s perennial puke stains. Having been mentored by Thomas through troubling times early in his career, the perpetually numb receiver has now turned the tables, taking it upon himself to show Thomas the commitment required to erase entire football seasons from one’s mind.

“The struggle is real. None of us want to accept what has happened in Cleveland all these years. We try every day to forget about the pain, the suffering, and the utter disappointment we’ve caused fans, our teammates, and ourselves. Drugs and alcohol have a way of numbing you to the pain, so much so that I missed a handful of games cause I couldn’t find the stadium. Sometimes, I forget I even play football. This means everything is working.”

Gordon has hopes of resuming his football career, having returned last season following a lengthy suspension. Requiring both a GPS and personal chauffeur to find the practice facility every day, Gordon remains confident he has the mental capacity to memorize the playbook in its entirety – he’s claimed he could line up at any position if it meant winning more games.

With plans to sober up once organized team activities begin, by mid-end of April, Gordon is presently focused on setting up Thomas with the perfect mind-altering retirement regimen.

“Joe was there for me through my tough times and I plan on being there for his. Retirement ain’t an easy thing to go through, especially when you got so few positives to look back on…”

(Gordon, having already surpassed the Wellington drunkness threshold, paused to barf in a bowl. Jim already had placed one in front of him anticipating such an episode…)

Before Wellington could finish his thought, he peacefully laid his head down on the bar for yet another power nap.

As I gathered my things and paid Jim for the drinks, I left knowing one of the game’s greatest players appeared ready for retirement life, thanks to a caring teammate who’s finally uncovered the secret to football happiness in Cleveland.

Football fans won’t soon forget Joe Thomas, but that doesn’t mean Joe Thomas can’t forget he ever played for the Cleveland f***ing Browns.

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